The Seven Deadly Videogame Sinners
The Seven Deadly Videogame Sinners
They are heroes and legends. Immortals. They frag, rock, chainsaw and more. But what sins lie deep in your favorite videogame character's past? OXM investigates.
Aerosmith
Crime: Greed. I have nothing against Aerosmith, they're not exactly my cup of tea, but no one can deny they've written some Guitar Hero-worthy stuff. However, in signing on as the first exclusive band to be featured on Guitar Hero, they stole an opportunity for a much more, dare I say, heroic band to have that honorable title. Music like Led Zeppelin, Jimmy Hendrix, AC/DC, or Van Halen just might have supplied truer guitar heroes. Did not the winds whisper of a Beatles Guitar Hero package?
Redemption: Neutralized the risk of a Limp Bizkit Guitar Hero package…for now.
Companion Cube:
Crime: Sloth. The lovable cube from Portal let itself be killed, and yet was no martyr. That’s why Companion Cube deserves to go the blistering inferno beneath (that, I might remind you, you dropped it in) because it made no effort to change its future. Maybe it was just a fundamentalist determinist, but C.C.’s reluctance to change its fate earns it a trip to Hell in a hand basket of sloth.
Redemption: It worked hard in its short life.
Tony Hawk
Crime: Gluttony. Tony Hawk makes so much money off of his videogames, phone endorsements, and clothes brands, he probably has a hard time making time for that little hobby of his: skateboarding. But if you really sit down to think about it, it’s obvious that the Hawkster owns a cloning machine of some sort. He has to be everywhere at once, which is evidence enough that he has cloned himself to make all those appearances.
But the best evidence for "The Cloney Hawk Conspiracy" is that every Tony Hawk videogame is essentially the same game. Now it wouldn’t be fair to say they haven’t had any innovation in any of these games, but after the revert in THPS3, there have been no major breakthroughs in the Tony World shy of super-slow mo (lovingly borrowed from the now ancient Max Payne) and the ability to get off your board, which is a skill that Tony himeself must have mastered years ago.
Redemption: The song that goes all like “You got me runnin' in a cy-cl-lone” on THPS.
The Ship in Geometry Wars
Crime: Wrath. Yes, we get it Geometry Wars ship, you don’t like math. Hey, me neither, but you don’t see me trying to obliterate it all together. For God’s sake, Geometry Wars ship, you are a shape! Get a hold of yourself. I mean, what’s next? Algebra? And what then, ship -- are you going to destroy colors, too? Then we can live in the shapeless, colorless galaxy you’ve always dreamt of? What’s that, you destroyed dreams too?
Redemption: Unrelenting courage against countless hordes of...octagons...
Master Chief
Crime: Pride. This one should be obvious to anyone who has seen Chiefy drive banshees into walls coming impossibly close to certain and painful death, only to reply with some pre-planned quip to impress the computer chip in his helmet. Chief is an old-school, flag-waving kind of guy. He calls ‘em how he sees ‘em, but doesn’t need to look long. During the entire series Master Chief speaks slowly in an elegant, low bass. Between ego-driven, colonization-destroying, murder-trips, Master Chief polishes his vanity by waxing his helmet, which he never takes off his head. But perhaps that’s a good thing, since his head would almost certainly fill the galaxy and cause more destruction than any silly “halo rings.”
Redemption: He is pretty cool…
Fable Dude
Crime: You tell me.
Redemption: None.
Dom
Crime: Jealousy. Though the true relationship between Dom and Marcus of the Delta Rover Alpha Over Squad is yet to be determined, one thing is not. Dom is jealous as Hell that Marcus is all leadery. I mean, Dom is talented, a good leader, and has wonderfully huge boots, too…why can’t he lead? Dom saved Marcus, and not the other way around. Dom is brooding, chainsaw gun in hand, ever ready to watch Marcus’s back for one last time...
Redemption: He has the necessary facial scars and facial hair to lead his team to victory.
Related
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loose222
October 08, 2010 at 9:12pm
But in Dante's Purgatorio, his sinners are not saved by contrary virtues; instead, they are purged by "contrapasso" [counter-suffering]. Dante designs their penance as an ironic inversion of the nature of their particular sin. In other words, in the Divine Comedy, the punishment fits the crime. Those who burned with lust in life are now burned in an immense wall of flame. Gluttons in life are now deprived of food and drink, and are forced to pass by cascades of cool water without stopping to drink. Focused on only earthly things in life, the greedy now lie facedown on the ground, bound and unable to move, while the slothful are made to run continuously at top speed. Those who were blinded by anger in life must now walk around in acrid smoke.
Pazuzu
July 16, 2008 at 2:38pm
c'mon, guys. Why are you wasting your time posting dumb articles like this while you could be posting some reviews that haven't been put up? Even from years ago. C'mon.
HandzThatKillz
July 10, 2008 at 2:28pm
A Guitar Hero game about Led Zeppelin will surely be amazing, but I'm looking forward to something more heave. Imagine a Guitar Hero game, let say the upcoming Guitar Hero World Tour with the full band, completely about a band like Testament, Exodus or say Slayer. Or to make it less intense, a band like Diamond Head, Megadeth, or Iron Maiden. I'm pretty sure they awesomely fit in a Guitar Hero game. It does'nt have to be the entire game about the band, but at least one of those to be included in the game. And with the upcoming Guitar Hero; Metallica Edition, I think this wave of Thrash Metal Guitar Hero games is really starting!!
lucklesswonder
July 09, 2008 at 10:08am
True, Dom initially rescues Marcus. However, as Marcus, you spend the rest of the game pulling Dom's butt out of the fire.
M6645
July 09, 2008 at 4:31am
Can someone tell me how to sign up for youtube when I try after i give the info it says that I'm not valid or something Sorry this is not related to the subject
ill_sue_ya
July 09, 2008 at 3:22am
< < < < GH:A < GUITAR HERO: LED ZEPPLIN. < < < < sigh... a man can dream...
Damaster
July 08, 2008 at 8:29am
BD ok Iv recently been playing Fable and even if the afor mentioned downfall is bad here is its many rediming qualities 1. choice between good and evil actually makes a difference 2. first game widly known to have mutiple endings 3. the sex was a reward for spending thousands of gold to get one woman. The gifts were also part of that 4. It can make you feel guilty, say you have a wife in every city and you forget about one usually in bowerstone south. then you finally go there and she gives you a verry expencive gift( like a btight plate chest peice) that you your self cant afford. then all of a sudden you never leave that area. So yes its flaw is bad but it was made with good intent and it is redeemed many times over and if you think its that bad heres a solution dont get married
Damaster
July 08, 2008 at 8:11am
BD why did you have to bring up that ugly fable insadent I just got done with tharapy for that. oh well another half a million to that strange shrink with the torcher chamber in his office
PaperLantern
July 07, 2008 at 10:14pm
I'd like to see a $30 GH: Boston. $20 because there would only be about 20-30 songs on the game.
Daze Of War
July 07, 2008 at 9:03pm
How about GH:ABBA or GH:Beach Boys. I like GH but enough expansion discs that cost full price.
Mitch OXM
July 07, 2008 at 4:26pm
It'll be a race to snap up certain bands so bad that we'll eventually get Guitar Hero: Sh*tty Basement Band You've Never Heard of Edition. :(
ill_sue_ya
July 07, 2008 at 3:41pm
youre right, limp bizkit sucks... bigtime. hows about guitar hero dragon force or guitar hero buckethead?
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