2007 came and went in the blink of an eye. Okay, not really, but it’s gone, and this is the time of year when most gamers (the literate ones, at least) start browsing the host of “Best of” lists from all their favorite gaming outlets.

Well heroes, we’re happy to let you know that here at The Scoreboard, we’ve compiled the only Best of 2007 list that really matters. And no, it doesn’t fawn all over games for having the best gameplay, story or graphics — who cares?! This latest installment of The Scoreboard is dishing on all the Best and Worst Achievements of 2007, as well as offering our insights on the best Achievements that don’t exist yet and some possibilities for non–game-related Achievements (we know you’ve thought about it). So put your 360 in your entertainment center, shut the door up tight, and get ready to roast some chestnuts over your ever-increasingly hot console: here’s the best “Best of” list around...

THE BEST OF 2007

Easiest Achievement — The Simpsons: Press START to Play (5 pts.)
Easiest Achievement...ever. It’s even easier than opening the RS menu in Madden 06, which made you click through a menu screen, which is way too much work when you have a Duff in each hand. Hint: for double-fisted drinkers, press Start with your toe!

Hardest Achievement — Crackdown: Orb Hunter and Free Runner (50 pts.; 50 pts.) Collect 300 Hidden Orbs; Collect 500 Agility Orbs
If you spent any time with Crackdown, you know it was near-impossible finding these pesky jerk orbs. I played Crackdown so much it got to the point where I began peripherally scoping the Phoenix city skyline at twilight, looking for any green glowing orbs on the corners of buildings. Yikes! Even with a guide, this is a ha-uge challenge to undertake, going through all three gang territories and surrounding outlands looking for these 800 sumbitches. Still, I’m holding out hope that Real Time Worlds and Microsoft will rethink their plans to shelve the Crackdown sequel. We need Crackdown 2, NOW!

Most Gratifying Achievement — The Orange Box: Little Rocket Man (30 pts.) Send the garden gnome into space.
Man, carrying that little Travelocity bastard through all of Episode One felt like a never-ending responsibility, but you know it was effin’ sublime when you closed and sealed that door and sent him off to the stars. Phew!

Most Intense Achievement — Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare: Ghillies in the Mist (20 pts.) Complete “All Ghillied Up” without alerting any enemies.
I did this on Veteran the first time through…ZOMG! My heart was beating so fast, especially when Captain MacMillian tells you to follow him through that motorcade on yer belly. Man, it was heavy. Now, you might argue that completing the game on Veteran or earning the Mile High Club Achievement is just as (if not more) intense, and I’d agree, but for different reasons. This was a great moment in the game and it was tied directly to the Achievement. It wasn’t just tough, it was highly entertaining.

Funniest Achievement — The Simpsons: Pwnd (0 pts.) Dude, need help? You've died, like, 10 times...
What an awesome Achievement. Not only does it mock you for playing poorly, but it also stiffs you with zero points. The only way to improve on this would be if it could actually subtract from your gamerscore. How rad would that be?

Best Encore Achievement — The Elder Scrolls IV: The Shivering Isles: Madgod, Shivering Isles (50 points) Stopped the Greymarch.
I never expected to head back to Cyrodiil after losing the eight dozen hours or so that I spent with Oblivion in 2006, but the return trip (even though technically the Shivering Isles is dimensionally a tad different than Cyrodiil proper) was sooooooooo worth it. In fact, completing the new SI main quest that leads up to unlocking this Madgod Achievement was perhaps one of my single most favorite parts of the whole Elder Scrolls IV experience, period.

Best Time Investment vs. Payoff — Avatar: The Last Airbender: The Burning Earth. The Flow of Combat I, II and III, One with Combat, Art of Combat. (1,000 pts.)
I know, I know, unlocking 1,000 points for standing in the corner of a level and pressing a button for about 90 seconds isn’t much of an Achievement in the traditional sense of the word, but you can’t beat the time investment vs. payoff. Go play Blue Dragon with Achievement-unlocking in mind and you’ll come running back to Avatar pinky-swearing that this game was the best thing going Achievements-wise in 2007.

Best Overall Use of Achievements — The Orange Box
From offering 99 Achievements (many of them only worth 5 points) to stretching those 99 across five games (one of which was one of my most favorite-est 4 hours of gaming all year [Portal]), the Achievements in The Orange Box are proof that developers are thinking about your gamerscore. Look no further than Achievements like Two Points (Use DOG's ball to make a basket in Eli's scrapyard), Zombie Chopper (Play through Ravenholm using only the Gravity Gun) and Flushed (Kill an enemy with a toilet) for proof that dev teams are putting energy into getting gamers to think, act, and play differently in games, which is one of the greatest feats that Achievements can accomplish. Plus, the Fratricide Achievement takes the cake (actually, I guess it doesn’t…) as my favorite conflicted moment in gaming last year. Sorry, weighted companion cube — I wish there could be another way.

Best Overall Achievement — BioShock: Little Sister Savior (100 pts.) Complete the game without harvesting any Little Sisters.
If it wasn’t for this Achievement, I wouldn’t have stuck to my savior guns so stringently, but boy was I glad I did. Without giving away too much of the ending, after playing through without harvesting one Little Sister, I was treated to what I felt was one of the most profound and moving moments (well, cutscenes) in gaming that I can remember. That, and I got 100 points for doing it, which is just icing on the proverbial Sander Cohen–shaped cake.

THE WORST OF 2007

Most Ungratifying Achievement(s) — Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter 2: Act 1–3 Complete on Low, Guarded and Elevated risk. (225 pts.) Completing all three acts of the single-player campaign on all three difficulties.
I reviewed this game when it came out, and being somewhat of a Ghost Recon nut, I took it upon myself to play through the campaign on every difficulty to rate the differences in A.I., damage plateaus, and control response. Unlike the higher difficulty of GRAW on Hard, GRAW 2 didn’t really feel any more difficult on Elevated risk versus Low risk, so essentially I felt like I played this game straight through three times back-to-back, which pretty much killed off any interest I had in the series right then and there. GRAW 3 better be damn good when it comes out (and it will), that’s all I’m sayin’.

Most Tedious Achievement in a Game — Dynasty Warriors Gundam: Character Gallery Complete (75 pts.) Unlock all characters in the Character Gallery.
Seriously, you have to unlock all the characters from both the Original and Official modes, which is a monster chore. It wouldn’t be so bad if the game was remotely fun, which it isn’t.

Most Nerve-Racking Achievement — Def Jam: Icon: BMF (100 pts.) Complete Build A Label Mode on Hardest Difficulty Level.
Playing through Def Jam on the hardest difficulty wasn’t impossible, it was just an absolute grind —though ironically, it was easier in some ways than keeping four girlfriends satisfied simultaneously ([ahem] in the game, of course).

Achievement Most Likely to be Goosed — TimeShift: TimeShift Champion (50 pts.) Win 100 matches in Timeshift.
This falls into the Prey category, meaning there simply aren’t enough people playing online to get these Achievements legitimately. In case you’re late to the game, the online user-ship of Prey was so low that there was (and is) literally no one playing it. One night a friend of mine and I went into the Prey ranked match lobby, searched and found only each other, and played all night, goosing the ranked Achievements for all they were worth. Our prediction: you’ll be doing exactly that with the TimeShift multiplayer Achievements before summer.

Achievement Most Likely to Stay Locked — Mass Effect: At least two of the six Ally missions (20 pts. each)
I’m about 40 hours into Mass Effect, and I’ll admit I’m totally, unequivocally addicted. In fact, I haven’t even finished the main quest — instead, I’ve literally been traveling to every single system to survey or land on every single planet, ship or asteroid. The thought of playing through two more times, hitting all the major side quests to qualify for the “complete the majority” of the game the Achievements call for, with two pairs of different allies, is just unfathomable right now, and I imagine it will be that way for most players. Still, my current character, soldier Milfred Shepard, is at level 43, and those 50- and 60-level Achievements are looking mighty tempting. We’ll see, but my guess is most people will pass.

Most Insulting Achievement — Need For Speed ProStreet: Any sponsored Achievement. (Who cares how many points?)
Armageddon is upon us; judgement day is here. 2007 saw in-game advertising hit a new all-time low with Achievements being “brought to you by” advertisers and sponsors like Progressive Insurance. It’s one thing if it’s a car part manufacturer like K&N (who sponsors several themselves), but Progressive? Next thing you know, there’ll be Achievements sponsored by Luvs diapers and Pizza Hut. The end is nigh. FYI, the runner-up is Yaris. Do I need to explain why?

Worst Use of Achievements in a Game — a TIE between CSI: Hard Evidence (for being utterly moronic) and Guitar Hero III (for being utterly annoying)
Not only is CSI a terrible game, but the game has only five Achievements, each for finishing one of the five missions, and even the pictures are identical. There was obviously no thought whatsoever put into these. Guitar Hero III, on the other hand, had way too much crazy thought put into the Achievements, meaning whoever dreamed up this stuff is just cruel. Playing the whole career using the standard 360 controller? Beating the game on regular and lefty flip? Puh-lease. We don’t mind hard Achievements, but what will they think of for Guitar Hero IV, beating the game using the Ace Combat Flight Stick? Guys, stop torturing your community. 

Worst Achievement Overall — Bullet Witch: HELL Difficulty Mode Cleared (1 pt.) All stages were beat in HELL mode.
Now, I’m not sure if the game, in all of its suckness, broke this Achievement or if this Achievement breaks this game, but both are so astoundingly bad you’d have to be literally insane to subject yourself to the amount of psychological, mental, and spiritual trauma that playing through Bullet Witch in HELL mode induces, especially for 1 lousy, stinking point. No way in hell or anywhere else. In fact, I’d love to see some stats for how many people have actually unlocked this. If you thought Bullet Witch sucked already, get ready for a whole new low. It really is HELL.

THE BEST ACHIEVEMENTS THAT DON’T EXIST

Publishers and developers, you’re on notice!

The Orange Box: BFF — (<3 pts) Find a way to save the companion cube in Portal.
We would if we could. Wouldn’t you?

Final Fantasy XI: Committed for life — (100,000 pts.) Max out every character to level 75.
No one has the time to do this. No one. If you do this, you should get a lifetime’s worth of points and never have to unlock another Achievement again in your life.

Mass Effect: Wilt Chamberlain — (69 pts.) Complete romantic subplots with all three ally female characters.
Put it this way: if you can figure out how to get it on with Tali the Quarian, in her slushy suit and all, you are the man and you deserve the points.

Willpower (50 pts.) — Never play Superman Returns.
If you do put Superman Returns into your 360, you automatically lose 100 points (which amounts to the 50 pts. gifted for never playing it, and a general 50-pt. deduction, just because).

THE BEST NON–GAME-RELATED ACHIEVEMENTS THAT DON’T EXIST

Now, I know this one’s a stretch, but imagine if you could unlock Achievements for things not game-related on your 360? Think about it…

Movie buff — (5–50 pts.) Watch 25 movies on your 360.
You should be compensated for time spent with your 360, especially watching movies you effin’ paid Microsoft for to download from Marketplace. The percentage of points unlocked will be determined by the quality of the movies; 5 points for classics that require no sacrifice to watch, like Blade Runner, Raiders of the Lost Ark, and Fargo; 50 points for turds like Corky Ramano, Legally Blonde, and The Witches of Eastwick. 75 points for any movies your girlfriend picks out. 100 points would go to all the parents who use their 360s to show Barney and Dora DVDs to their kids. Extra points would be awarded for HD-DVDs on a 360 HD DVD stand-alone player, but only 5. Nay, 2. There aren’t enough good HD-DVDs to justify the boost.

Fingers-crossed — (350 pts.) Your 360 lasts an entire year without giving you the red ring of death.
Gamerscore earned is equal to the price of the system.

Rounding third-base — (50 pts.) You entertain a hot date with the uploaded music on your 360 hard drive.
Must listen to more than an hour’s worth of music, preferably Zep, but cannot include any Bread.

Bought a Wi-fi Adapter — (100 pts.) Buy and use the Xbox 360 USB wi-fi adapter.
C’mon, wi-fi should be included in the purchase price of a 360. If you have to go pay for this silly add-on, which can’t cost more than $20 to manufacture, you should at least get some gamerscore for it.

Change faceplate — (250 pts.) Customize the faceplate on your 360.
Seriously, how many people do you know that have the stock faceplate on their 360s? Boring! With a little incentive, though, we can make the world a brighter place, one faceplate at a time.

*******

That’s it for now kiddies. As usual, let us know what you think. Weigh in, argue, and tell us if we nailed it or if we’re full of it. The Scoreboard #4 will again feature a reader-reviewed game, so hit us up with your review at scoreboardoxm@yahoo.com.

Here’s to a great new year filled with good times, great games, and awesome Achievements!