It’s that time again; the time when we review games based on what really matters—achievements! Here at the Scoreboard, we know you don’t care about trivial, forgettable things in games like story arcs, graphics, character development, gameplay, and all that sissy stuff. OK, we’re joking, but we know you also want the cold, hard truth about which games will boost your gamerscore, which won’t, which achievements are rad and which leave you sad.

Since we’re past the holiday rush and still working on finishing Mass Effect, everything in The Orange Box and the new BioShock achievements, this installment includes full write-ups of some of our most recently played or finished games—Rock Band, Halo 3, Medal of Honor: Airborne, F.E.A.R. Files and Scene It: LCA—and will include our first reader submitted Scoreboard entry reviewing the achievements in Mass Effect.

So, without further ado, let’s talk achievements.

Rock Band

Ah, what can we say about Rock Band? How about that the achievements suck? What the hell Harmonix? Why make the greatest game in the world and then make many of the achievements restricted to local multiplayer play? Don’t get me wrong, I luvz Rock Band and I love Harmonix, and the Rock Band achievements aren’t nearly as merciless as the Guitar Hero III achievements, but they’re also not nearly as creative. Granted, we think Neversoft’s idea of being required to play through an entire career using a regular controller on GH3 is more than a little lame, but there aren’t any truly imaginative achievements at all for Rock Band which coupled with points you can only nab with local co-op is a problem.

Best Achievement – Open Road – (10 points) Unlocked the Bus in Band World Tour. This has sentimental value because of how we did it: unbeknownst at the time to me and The Cliff Burton Army (my Rock Band “band”), when you download the new Metallica songs, they get added to your setlist and show up often, including twice in our 3 song set for the bus. For our money, “Ride the Lightning” and “Blackened” are two of the hardest songs to play on Expert. Ugh. At least it wasn’t Nirvana or Coheed again.

Worst Achievement – Vinyl, Gold and Platinum Artists (10, 20 and 25 points, respectively). Finish the Endless Setlist in Band World Tour on Medium, Hard or Expert, respectively. If you want all three of these, you have to play 174 songs with at least one other person in the room with you. Oh, yeah, there’s no way to save (you can pause it, but that can turn out dicey, just ask Dan, all for a total of a lousy 55 points. Pass.

Easiest Achievement – Killer Performance (10 points) 5 starred a song on Easy, Medium, Hard or Expert – Since most of the guitar portions of the game in Rock Band are immeasurably easier than most Guitar Hero stuff, we opened this on the first song in Hard without even thinking about it.

Hardest Achievement – Vinyl, Gold and Platinum Artists (10, 20 and 25 points, respectively). Finish the Endless Setlist in Band World Tour on Medium, Hard or Expert, respectively. For the reasons I stated above, these three are the most mind numbingly frustrating and low-yielding achievements in the game.

Time Investment vs. Payoff – 3, namely because there are too many limitations on what you can and can’t do. Maybe, dear reader, you happen to be a 20-year-old college kid and you and your roommates can play together every night, but for everyone else, jamming all night every night in my living room with my buddies to get these isn’t practical. A simple fix for this would be an online Band World Tour mode. We know you can do it Harmonix. Patch this sombitch!

Overall – 3 (out of 10) Unlocking achievements shouldn’t be contingent upon your ability to play a game with another person physically there with you. Because of this, it gets a limping 3. If Harmonix ever patches the online Band World Tour, which we suspect and hope they will, we will happily change the score.

Halo 3

The Halo 3 achievements are a mixed bag. Unlocking the achievements from the campaign on Legendary the first time I played through was very straightforward and plenty fun. Going through a second time to find all the skulls, the Marathon Man achievement, and to unlock all the meta-game achievements took more time and was, how do we say, less than rousing. And then there are those friggin’ multiplayer achievements, most of which are only unlockable in the FFA Lone Wolves playlist. What gives? What are the odds I’ll luck out and fry two jerks with one Splazer blast? Or run some n00b down on my mongoose? I don’t know, but it hasn’t happened yet, and I’m not alone; just ask Bungie (or listen to bungie.net Community Lead Brian Jarrard talk about this very issue).

Best Achievement – TIE: Overkill (5 points) Kill 4 enemies within 4 seconds of one another in a ranked free for all playlist, and Campaign Complete: Legendary (125 points) Completed the Campaign on Legendary Difficulty. These were both great; scoring a legit Overkill took a while in a FFA playlist. I’m not the greatest Halo 3 player, though I’m no slouch, but this one was a doozie, because I actually scored the Overkill, the Lee R. Wilson Memorial and the Killing Frenzy all in the same match. Phew! Completing the campaign on Legendary was one of those moments in gaming I’ll remember for a long time. Finished the fight! Another big phew!

Worst Achievement – Two for One (5 points) Score a double kill with a single Spartan laser shot in a ranked free for all playlist. This one is really tough, though I’ve seen someone do it (on a Bungie Favorites video, on Snowbound in the blue room; it was actually a triple, though it was in Team Slayer so no points. Poop for that guy). Haranguing Bungie, I asked Brian Jarrard if I can has teh helpz with this one somehow, to which he proffered that Bungie is thinking of hosting a weekend hopper set up to help players get some of these harder ones (similar to how the Living Dead Halloween playlist serendipitously put the Steppin’ Razer in reach for many players). Hopefully the Halo gods smile down upon us because this one, along with Mongoose Mowdown, Steppin’ Razor, and Overkill can be stumpers otherwise.

Easiest Achievement – Used Car Salesman (5 points) Destroy a vehicle that has three enemies in it in a ranked playlist or in campaign. This was so easy I didn’t know what had happened. I unlocked this at the end of Sierra 117 when I shot down the Phantom and rescued Sgt. Johnson. Go back play that level, fry the Phantom, unlock the achievement. Go figure.

Hardest Achievement – Two for One (5 points) Score a double kill with a single Spartan laser shot in a ranked free for all playlist. Look two paragraphs back. Read. Nuff said.

Time Investment vs. Payoff – 7, Even if you don’t unlock all the multiplayer points or all the meta games, playing through Legendary with 3 other buddies via Xbox Live (see how that works, Harmonix?) or locally isn’t tough, so with only about 10 hours in (grab an online guide and nab all the skulls and Marathon Man in the same play-through, it’s easy) and a few more in matchmaking, you’ll be swimming in 600-700 points.

Overall – 7 (out of 10) What can we say? Even though those pesky multiplayer points are a pain and the meta-games became a drag by the time you get to the second scarab mission, the majority of these were a pure joy to unlock and it didn’t take 100 hours to do it. Now granted, you might not be keen on Halo 3, in which case you should trade in your 360 for a Wii and go play Jenga World Tour, but we love Halo so we were stoked to play it and unlock points.

Medal of Honor: Airborne

I have to admit I wasn’t excited about playing through this (call it a permanent WWII shooter hangover), but I was surprisingly overcome with an uncanny lightness of being when after only 10 minutes of gameplay I had unlocked three or four achievements. In fact, it seemed like whatever I did as I progressed the buggers kept firing off. I thought for a moment, like Scoreboard reader Pachoey had implied, maybe EA tied every in-game action to some achievement? So I just started trying stuff, totally oblivious to the game going on around me (and ze twenty-some-odd Nazis bum rushing my 10-20). Lo and behold, for nearly an hour it appeared I was correct. Kill someone while moving in my iron sight. Check. Grease a landing? Check. Crouchsprint between cover. Check. Achievements tied to crouching? Brilliant! Needless to say, if you played MOH:A, you know the unlocking tsunami dies down after a while and sinks into the normal “finish a mission this, upgrade a weapon fully that” fare, but that first hour and half was better than the first time I climbed the rope in gym class.

Best Achievement – MP-Paratrooper’s Badge (10 points) Kill an enemy with a melee kick. Kudos for this is a creative use of combat boots; you unlock this when you crack an enemy’s skull with your foot as you’re coming in for a landing while parachuting. Awesome.

Worst Achievement – MP-Distinguished Service Medal (75 points) Get over 1000 kills and 500 objective points in ranked matches. This is the worst achievement of the game because it tasks me with something I just don’t want to do. I’ve killed 10,000+ Axis dweebs playing these WW II games, I have to kill 1000 more for 75 points? I’d rather try to consecutively beat all 100 levels of Bomberman: Act Zero (y-ouch!).

Easiest Achievement – Pop n’ Drop (5 points) Crouch-sprinted between cover objects. We already went over this. It’s friggin’ brilliant, almost as good as the “push the start button” achievement on The Simpsons game. Almost.

Hardest Achievement – MP-Distinguished Service Medal (75 points) Get over 1000 kills and 500 objective points in ranked matches. The distinction really ought to go to the Complete on Expert for 75 points achievement, but I’m going to be a jerk and say the 1000 kills thing again because it would take me way longer to off 1000 dewds online than to beat the game on Expert, though it’s really tough on expert, believe me. In the end these are both hard achievements.

Time Investment vs. Payoff – It’s a strong 6; it’s above average at the beginning (blissfully so), but tapers out as you move along.

Overall – 5 (out of 10) The first hour of this game reminded me of the wonder of my first Condemned: Criminal Origins playthrough, back before I was really keen to what achievements were and I kept wondering why they kept unlocking. But because this game forces me to do something I really don’t want to do, it gets a 5. Now, you may disagree, you may love Medal of Honor: Airborne. I don’t. Go play MoH: Underground or Frontline, they’re way better. No achievements, though.

F.E.A.R. Files

If you played through the F.E.A.R. port that came to the Xbox 360 last year, you know the achievements were doled out at a senior citizen-with-a-walker paced clip, and the points were tied to gargantuan tasks and slim when they were handed out. Not so with F.E.A.R. Files; you’ll unlock points as you progress through both the Extraction Point and Persues Mandate mini-campaigns, as well as during online play and the points are substantial. And even though there isn’t much that’s new about either of these campaigns, they’re still fun to burn through, especially with the sweet sound of achievements plunking open as you do.

Best Achievement – First Encounter (10 points) and Cutting Off the Head (10 points), which are both secret achievements and both involving Nightcrawlers. The first is for finishing your first run-in with a Nightcrawler Elite while the second prize is yours after you take down the Nightcrawler Commander.

Worst Achievement – No Batteries (15 points) Complete the Extraction Point campaign without letting the flashlight run down. Since when does any decent flashlight have batteries that only stay charged in 45 second intervals? For crying out loud, I’m playing as an elite soldier that can slow down time, shouldn’t I be able to afford Energizers? This is just a bad gaming cliché, so to attach points to it is weak.

Easiest Achievement – Action Initiate (25 points) Complete any Instant Action map. This is silly-easy, just do what it says and unlock a handsome 25 points for a fun romp through an IA map with minimal grind. A close second is You Must Be on the Team (5 points), which is a secret achievement, so take notice. Finish the Perseus Mandate campaign and watch the credits. Achievement unlocked.

Hardest Achievement – Mastered Your FEAR (50 points) Complete the Perseus Mandate campaign without dying. Now this is an achievement! It can be rather painlessly earned on the lowest difficulty setting but you have to keep your wits about (especially during the Rev fights) and it’s a little dull to play through the 5-6 hour campaign again at the lowered difficulty for 50 points. If you’re a real man, you’ll play at least on default, if not challenge yourself with Extreme, though we won’t blame you if you go the easy way.

Time Investment vs. Payoff – 6, which is saying a lot compared to the 3 or 4 the original FEAR would be. In about 10 hours you’ll nab about 300 points, then some decent weekend play will see you earn another 100-200, so you can make out with at least 500 points in a relatively straightforward manner.

Overall – 6 (out of 10) Again, there’s way more potential to earn points here than the original, though there’s nothing really creative done here. That is, unless you think managing the infuriatingly overdone bad flashlight thing is innovative.

Scene It? Lights, Camera, Action

Any game that has questions about the movies Uncle Buck, Alien, and The Exorcist is all right with me, and apparently it’s all right with my family. Every year for Thanksgiving, I have the fam over, cook them tons o’ food and then I start my social gaming experiment; I thrust all the “hot” games from every platform to see which they think is best. After all, my family is the epitome of mass market, right? So if they like something, it must be good. Last year, it wasn’t Gears of War or Resistance: Fall of Man they wanted to play. It was Wii tennis. This year started out with a strong showing for Rock Band, but when I told them I had a movie trivia game, their eyes lit up. In went Scene It, and off went about 500 points. It was a bonanza of gamerscore and I wasn’t even trying. What a deal.

Best Achievement – Gen-X (25 points) Correctly answered 25 questions about movies/stars from the 1980s. So what if I’m pushing 40, at least I know who Lloyd Dobler was and at least I knew he was into kickboxing and Peter Gabriel. That and I was in love with Ione Skye ever since I saw her in River’s Edge. Any game that can somehow make all of that ridiculously useless knowledge somehow trivially relevant, and raise my gamerscore to boot, is OK in my book.

Worst Achievement – Writer (25 points) Correctly answer every Sequentials question in one block of puzzles. This is one of those ‘put these 4 movies in chronological order based on what year they came out’ challenges, and there’s always one in there that throws us, usually some movie with William Hurt in it.

Easiest Achievement – Intern (15 points) Answer a question correctly. “In Red Dawn, what was the name of the fleeing kids high school mascot?” Uh, the Wolverines? Bingo. 15 points unlocked. Thank you C. Thomas Howell, you always looked better with an RPG than with your Soul Man fro.

Hardest Achievement – Producer (30 points) Answer 60 questions correctly without answering incorrectly in one game. We’re self-professed movie buffs (read: nerds) but we’re not that good, especially when we’re talking movies of the Working Girl, Battlefield Earth, and Batman and Robin ilk.

Time Investment vs. Payoff – 9; while you may not unlock all 1000 points immediately, if you play with people who generally know a thing or two about movies, you’ll have a great time and unlock about 500 points by playing through a few games. And having fun and boosting your gamerscore at the same time is about as good as it gets.

Overall – 9 (out of 10) Movie buffs, take a break from grinding your Level 45 Vanguard up to a 60 for those Power Gamer and Extreme Power Gamer points on Mass Effect. Open an icy-cold beverage, break out the Orville Redenbacher and have some fun.

But wait, there’s more!

Now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: our first ever reader-submitted Scoreboard entry. Thanks Mitchell Dyer for reviewing the achievements in Mass Effect. We will be finishing the game and giving our own two cents (prolly in Scoreboard #3) but for now Mitch (can I call you Mitch?), you’re the Mass Effect man.

Mass Effect – by Mitchell Dyer

Best Achievement – Charismatic (10 Points): All you've got to do is boost your "Charm" or "Intimidate" skill to a modest level to bag these points and resolve an "impossible situation". You'll sacrifice weapon or Biotic upgrades in favor of new dialogue options you'll need to select (displayed in red and blue), but the heart-wrenching/relieving payoff is worth much more than the points. The situation is very apparent when the time comes and it's nearly impossible to miss the opportunity if you're a word-wizard. Without crossing the line that would pull us in to Spoilertown, make sure you're sitting down. It's emotionally charged and satisfying at the same time.

Worst Achievement – Extreme Power Gamer (50 Points): There's no inherent flaw with this achievement, it just takes for-freakin'-ever to nab. Level 60 seems totally do-able after you finish one play-through with a level 40ish character since you can play with that leveled Shepard in a new career. Sure, it's totally possible, but expect the level 50-60 drive to take about 20 hours of serious grinding and side-questing. 15,000 XP is the difference from one level to the next and it only gets higher as you progress. A point-per hour. That hurts.

Hardest Achievement – Medal of Valor (50 Points): Completing this game on the "insanity" difficulty is comparable to being asked to recite Shakespeare while being smashed in the teeth with a hammer. It's not impossible, but you'd rather just not deal with the agonizing pain and frustration. Even the most hardcore masochists will be chucking controllers in to their televisions. No amount of gamerscore can compensate for this one.

Easiest Achievement – Medal of Exploration (50 Points): Look at your Xbox 360 game-pad for a minute. Do you see the big green button labeled "A"? Press it. Done? You've just banked 50 points! Seriously, if you're in the need of a cool 50 before you head out the door, just land on any planet outside of the Citadel that isn't consistent with the main story. It takes a couple hours to get out there, but hey, it's a free chunk of points when you do.

Time Investment vs. Payoff – If you take your time with Mass Effect doing side-missions, talking to folks and cappin' fools for extra goodies, it will probably take you 20-30 hours. This dedication will earn you 500 or more gamerscore, so the dedication pays off in a serious way. If you're looking for the solid 1000 points, expect to play for around a 60-70 hours.

Overall – 6 (out of 10) There are a few achievements you'll get for free simply by progressing. If you're looking to make a decent dent in it though, dedication is required, and difficulty could seriously hinder your need for gamerscore-nourishment. Hardcore players need only apply.

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Well, that’s it for now kiddies.

As always, we want to know if you agree or disagree on our take. Let us know in the comments below.

Thanks to everyone who wrote in with your Scoreboard reader reviews. Send us your best, worst, easiest, hardest, and overall score on your favorite game, and we just might pick it to run in our Reader Scoreboard, which we'll run once a month. Oh, and you’ll get a swanky OXM t-shirt to boot! Mr. Dyer here should be expecting some fun in the mail just as soon as he emails us his shirt size. KTHXBAI.