OXMonline.com is happy to announce today that we’ve reached a new readership high for our Achievement review column, The Scoreboard: it has come to our attention that every single human being on this planet Earth is now a regular reader and/or RSSer of our Achievement-y column!

We’re going to celebrate our (that’s us and you!) total badassery with a celebration... more Achievement reviews! Today we’re gonna be critiquing and nitpicking the ins and outs of Pirates vs. Ninjas Dodgeball, Gin Rummy, Rocketbowl, Mercenaries 2: World in Flames, and TNA Impact. We’re even going to suffer through the improper pluralisation of “ninja” and incorrect spellings of “Armageddon” to bring you our opinionated view on all things Gamerscore, all in the name of love – we are trying to please the entire world here, you know.

Pirates vs. Ninjas Dodgeball

As if the title wasn’t a blatant indicator, Pirates vs. Ninjas is a game built on the foundation of Internet memes. At this rate, we’re bound to get a next-gen “Rick-Roll” simulator followed by an “I Lost the Game” game. The thought of it makes us sick, but so long as these potential disasters are packin’ Achievements in a similar manner to this, we will be more than willing to bear such atrocities.

Best Achievement: Neo (5 pts.) Dodge a powershot in Story Mode – There is nothing remarkable about the Neo Achievement except that it’s a reference to a movie instead of a played out 4Chan gag. That, and dodging a powershot is actually pretty frickin’ awesome. The appropriately placed ‘bullet-time’ slows the action to rub it in the face of the heartbroken offender, so revel in your reflexive skills while bragging about your new batch of Gamerscore.

Worst Achievement: Chuck rules! (15 pts.) Beat Ninjas Story Mode. –The Achievement itself is fine but come on: this is the last quarter of 2008... Aren’t Chuck Norris jokes a little exhausted by now? This combination of randomly plucked forum jokes is a cesspool that makes our brains sizzle when trying to fathom who decided Walker, Texas Ranger was still worth mentioning. He’s got a beard – get it?! We recommend not even playing as the ninja team to avoid the disgraceful Chuck Norris-branded badge altogether.

Easiest Achievement: Dish Best Served Cold (5 pts.) Successfully counter a shot in Story Mode. – Here we go! Star Trek references tied to an Achievement that actually feels good to unlock in spite of its ease. Slapping a thrown ball back with the X button attack brings you this one, so start swinging your sword or robo-fists as soon as any offensive ball is about to knock your teeth out, and you’ll pocket this nickel.

Hardest Achievement: Addicted (30 pts.) Win 20 Ranked Matches. – Managing to stick out the full 20 online matches is an Achievement in itself, but playing ranked means you’re bound to come across folks who are too serious about their ball dodging. Beating them requires surviving their very presence, and since this game requires little to no skill (rebounds are so sporadic that the ball landing near you is luck) it’s more of a matter of time than mad ball-hurling skillz before you achieve this arduous unlock.

Time Investment vs. Payoff: 8 (out of ten) – To its credit, PvN does encourage that you try out a bunch of different campaigns and abilities, so there are plenty of teeny tiny unlockables to be earned. And if you’re willing to drag it out online, you’ll have 200 points after a few dragged out sessions.

Overall: 4.5 (out of ten) – Sure, you can gain easy points from this, but the list requires repetitive online play and various campaign completions with repeated victories. The Achievement earning might be effortless, but they’re the furthest thing from fun. Also, the amount of overdoing-it in regards to the hilarious-in-2001 humor makes us want to gouge out a pirate’s remaining eyeball.

Gin Rummy

Like cards? Got five quid? Well if you’re anxious to play some chilled out and totally what-you-expect Gin Rummy action, this is your stop! Along the way you’ll encounter some of the most boring-ass, insipid and uninspired Achievements ever created. But if you stick with it, you might get a few GS before you fall victim to slumber. Our eyes are getting heavy just lookin’ at this list.

Best Achievement: Gutsy Gin Guru (20 pts.) Win 1 round without drawing from the discard pile – Avoiding the discard pile is risky, particularly if it’s got the sweet suit loot that you crave. But we aren’t going to lie and say that this isn’t the first of many Yawnchievements. Killing the competition by banking on Lady Luck entirely is one satisfying way to win a match, since ignoring the discard pile means you’re playing it all without thinking about anything... Just the kind of game you need to wind down at night befor—zzZzzzZzzzZzzz...

Worst Achievement: Rummy Buff (30 pts.) Earn over 50,000 Total Points – Standard matches clock in around the ten to 20 minute mark with the final score set to 500, and while this carries over between single and multiplayer, that’s 100 wins. Keep in mind that Gin Rummy requires next to no skill to even participate in, so you’ve got to account for the matches you lose, t—zzZzzzZzzz....

Easiest Achievement: Knock-out (5 pts.) Win 1 round by Knock – Again, you’re banking on fortune to favor you, and it’s not uncommon to come out of the gate with a good enough hand worth knocking too. Knock with the appropriate button input, and provided your starting hand (you can wait it out too, if you like) rocks the opponent’s socks, you’re up five poi—ZzzZzzz...

Hardest Achievement: Well Suited (15 pts.) Win 1 round with cards including deadwood from only one suit – The deadwood is the mess of garbage cards you’re left with when you knock or get beaten out with a terrible batch of cards in hand. Managing to have all of those cards as a single suit while winning the match is a feat worthy of—Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Time Investment vs. Payoff: 6.5 (out of ten) – All sleepy jokes aside; Gin Rummy isn’t very tight fisted with its Gamerscore offerings. Once you’ve played a solid few matches you should have pulled in around 50 points. But if you want to guarantee maximum success, ensure that you teach Granny how to operate the control pad. Plenty of multiplayer badges means you’ll need to spend a couple hours online to unlock the—ZzzZzzzzzZzzzzz.....

Overa—zzZzzzZzZzzZzzz....

Rocketbowl

Be honest: unless you’re 106-years-old, the last time you bowled was at a birthday party. Hitting the lanes is a totally fun past time, but with all the amazing games coming this holiday, who has time to go bowling? Luckily for you, Rocketbowl combines gaming and pin-sniping, so you can fire a rock down a wooden highway without ever leaving the house. Also, the ball has rocket boosters. It sounds like the greatest idea ever (and it pretty much is), but if you’re looking to whore yourself out for points, uh, this lane is closed.

Best Achievement: The Power Saver (25 pts.) Completed a game without using any Rocket Boosters. – Think you’re good enough to blow pins over with your raw skills? Not using the Rocket Boosters means players are required to have killer aim if they want a high score, but there’s a simple solution to this awesome Achievement that makes it real easy. Instead of showing off and getting 200 points without Boosting, simply play without using the X/B button Boosters by shooting for a low tally. The Achievement is fun in that it encourages risqué tactics, but if you’re a sucker for Achievements, this is also made for your people. There’s no requirement to do well – just to do.

Worst Achievement: The Journeyman (15 pts.) 100 multiplayer games completed. – Rocketbowl is a waaaay fun version of bowling, but asking players to go online and play 100 matches of ten frames for a mere 15 points is a joke. We can’t discredit the developers for encouraging online play, but for the amount of time you’ll spend slingin’ rocket-propelled bowling balls, we expect a little more of a hefty payoff.

Easiest Achievement: First to First (10 pts.) Awarded for achieving 1st place in a Tournament – The first tourney you take part in will likely be on the incredibly easy first course. These ten lanes are simple, with powerups placed in perfect spots for you to capitalize on. If you break a hundred, expect a victory, Achievement-badge, and a chunk of in-game cash to go along with your ten Gamerscore.

Hardest Achievement: Star Power (15 pts.) Awarded for collecting every star on a course. – Going out of your way to nab the stars spread throughout the different levels is a serious risk/reward system that goes a long way towards unlocking levels and money. But nailing each and every star on a course is impossibly difficult, as you’ll need to hit at least one pin after picking one or more of them up. Some of the stars are placed in such bizarre places that the kooky sports-game-with-a-twist becomes an infuriating puzzle game with fast paced elements. Precision shooting and power-gauging is essential, so you’ll be spending more time than you could possibly imagine trying to solve the mystery of the ill-placed stars – and then how you’ll knock over pins once you’ve nabbed them all.

Time Investment vs. Payoff: 3 (out of ten) – Demanding perfection and repetition, Rocketbowl is strictly for the dedicated. Stacking multiplayer matches is the quickest way to Gamerscore stardom – if you can call 100+ matches “quick” – but it’s hard to cook up cheap-n-easy ways to nail 300 points, bag every star on a course, and earn fat stacks of cash. For a casual and accessible bowling game, it sure does require hardcore playin’ to do well in regards to Gamerscore.

Overall: 5 (out of ten) – Again, props to the dev team for encouraging players to play a lot of their bowling game – it’s legit fun, so grinding to 100 matches can’t be all bad – but we’re not here to pussyfoot around what we want. Rocketbowl simply doesn’t make with the cha-ching nor excellent challenges to keep Achievement nuts occupied with great objectives. The goals are reachable, but they’re not interesting enough to make you care.

Mercenaries 2

Holy crap. In fifteen minutes, we’ve unlocked over 150 Gamerscore simply by joining a friend’s match and unleashing wanton destruction across Venezuela. If the VZ government was choked about Mercs 2 before it release, wait until they get a load of what we’re doing just for Gamerscore. Demolishing buildings, reckless driving, and accidental civilian squishing (ok, there’s no Achievement for that... That was just poor wheelin’) kicked off our killer start to jacking our Gamerscore. Vive l’achievemente!

Best Achievement: Wheels of Steel (50 pts.) Come in first during a co-op race. – Competitive racing is also a cooperative event. If you want to screw over your co-op buddy big time (and earn fat points in the process) just follow our instructions: First start up a standard race, say, at the front of your mansion. After you give your friend a moderate head start, turn your ride around and park it directly in front of the starting point. If you want to lead them on, verbally announce your displeasure of their inevitable victory. Now since it’s a cooperative event, each checkpoint that your opponent/ally cruises through also counts towards you, so when he/she flies through the penultimate marker, simply pump the gas and move towards the starting point/finish line for a quick and painless victory. They do all the work, you get all the Gamerscore.

Worst Achievement: No More Mr. Nice Guy (10 pts.) Make all factions HOSTILE. – The only thing worse than pissing off multiple factions to the point of violent hatred is dealing with it afterward. Wait until the end of the game or when you’re decidedly finished with Mercs 2 forever, because the game quickly turns to hell as you scramble to avoid the magnetic death that follows you everywhere once you’ve unlocked this Achievement.

Easiest Achievement: Partners in Crime (50 pts.) Play co-op with a friend. – It surprised us that simply joining a friend’s game unlocked Partners in Crime. There’s no catch or special requirement... Simply, uh, participate in a match with a friend and you’re mint for 50 more Gamerscore! If you’re lucky, they’ll have the “Everybody Wants Some!!” (play with a developer) unlock as well, which immediately gives you another 50 points. We like this game so far.

Hardest Achievement: Be Quick or Be Dead (10 pts.) Snipe 50 enemy vehicle drivers. – Mercs is picky about headshots; often times a direct bullet to the noggin causes the driver to veer slightly off course, and that’s it. Expect to become flustered with the three, four, five melon shots that don’t put a hole in the wheelman’s head before unlocking this at 50 kills.

Time Investment vs. Payoff: 8.5 (out of ten) – A fairly short campaign, easy side-mission, huge points for co-op and generally awesome rewards for levelling skyscrapers? Outstanding. Mercenaries 2 has a welcome list of wicked-fun unlockable Achievements that don’t require more than a single play-through to satisfy. The more cooperative play, the easier things are and the more points you’re sure to bank. So bring a bud and share the jackpot.

Overall: 9.5 (out of ten) – Mercenaries has its fair share of issues, but giving a city block a double dose of fuel tank explosions or a laser guided air strike to unlock points is pure gold. The big list of Achievements sees smaller points for story things, and big payouts for awesome things, so if you can think of something that would be totally rad, it’s probably going to net you 50 points. Within a few hours, you’ll be more than satisfied at the hundreds of Gamerscore that have been drained from the disc. Keep playin’ and you’ll top it off in due destruction.

TNA Impact

Our face hurts just thinking about how vicious the fights in TNA Impact feel. But we’ll endure in exchange for teh gamerscorez, which is dished out as regularly as anyone could ask for. Brawling your way through the career will bring forth mountainous piles of the intangible good stuff, and following up with custom and online matches will feed your insatiable lust for unlockable .jpegs and their accompanying points.

Best Achievement: Name The New King of TNA (100 pts.) Defeat Jeff Jarrett in Story mode (Chapter 6). – Jeff Jarrett is a jerk. Well, he is in the game, anyway. We’re sure he’s a fine chap when he’s not actin— er, working, but taking this a-hole down in the story mode was a great way to cap off our rise to fame. The hundred points you earn is a huge amount and probably the primary reason we love this primo Achievement, and the cap to the story is abruptly hilarious enough to make the finale that much more amazing. Fat points, a good laugh and sweet, sweet revenge. What’s better than that?

Worst Achievement: Jobber Nation (0 pts.) Lose 5 matches on Xbox LIVE in one sitting. – Not only is getting consecutively creamed embarrassing (especially if you submit, you wimp), but having the scar of an “I’m awful” Achievement badge and 0 points to accompany it is the weakest of all weaksauces. Nobody wants, needs or deserves this junk – so keep trashy trash like this out of our beloved Achievement lists. Forever.

Easiest Achievement: On Top of the World (5 pts.) Create a player in Story mode (Chapter 1). – If you’re not feeling creative, opening the Create a Player and just accepting him for who he (and we do mean he – ladies are practically nonexistent in the world of TNA Impact) really is will add this quick unlock to your stable of whorish delights. Since you’ll need this dude to power-bomb your way through the career, you might as well make him look as ridiculous as possible. We recommend the flaming shorts with a pink tanktop and a cowboy hat. Yeehaw!

Hardest Achievement: Best of the Best (100 pts.) Achieve TNA Champion status on any Leaderboard. – You’ll quickly learn that the career mode is far too damn difficult, and you’ll eventually need a break. Hopping online means facing off against tons o’ dudes who are probably way better than you are, thus making it really, really hard to get to the top of the Leaderboard. Perhaps if you’re one of the first to get in on the TNA action, you’ll fluke out and land a top spot before anyone can really get a chance to dive in to the online. Otherwise, we wish you the best of luck in your insanely tough quest.

Time Investment vs. Payoff: 7 (out of ten) – The career mode is a satisfying length if you’re looking for satisfying gameplay. But since we don’t give a good gosh darn about anything but points, that is too long! However the dozen or so hours of offline grapplin’ coupled with the short amount of time needed to succeed online isn’t worth crying over. The Gamerscore generosity is fairly proportional, so we’ll give it some love with a solid seven.

Overall: 7 (out of ten) – Make it two solid sevens. The list of Achievements isn’t very creative, but we’re fans of big pointed unlocks, which the story mode hands out like mints after a meal. When it’s all said and done and you’ve had your fill of dropkicking dressed up middle-aged men, you’ll be content. It helps that the game is fairly fun in the process – not that it’s a prerequisite or anything.

** You’re still here! Stellar. We were worried we might have lost someone along the way but it looks like all 6.5 billion of you made it through the absolute awesomeness we sometimes refer to as “Web Pages.” If you’re down with this week’s edition of The Scoreboard, you’ll love the next one 18 times as much. Why? Because you’ll be a part of it! By e-mailing us your own Scoreboard entry (just write the name of the game and the awards below it) you’ll earn women, fame and fortune. Alright, there are no ladies, but we can score you sweet loot from The OXM Prize Vault and a bit of public attention if you send us a review of a recent game! Tempting, no?