We’ve got a mean batch of Achievement reviews to toss your way this week, and it’s headlined by the almighty (and totally boobalicious) Soul Calibur IV. Following that, you can see what it’s like to Achieve while taking over the world in Civilization Revolution before we wrap it up with an XBLA study of Double D Dodgeball and 1942: Joint Strike. Oh yeah, there might be a shapely Xbox Live Arcade surprise at the end, as well.

Soul Calibur IV

You’ll need to learn to wield a sword with the distinguished excellence of a man-hating anthropomorphic iguana, as well as build patience for online jerk-offs like you never thought imaginable if you plan on pulling plunder out of Soul Calibur IV. Cheapsters run the online joint, and the AI enemies aren’t pushovers when it comes to the hard difficulty, but if you’re planning on casually playing the game for a good amount of time, well, good things come to those who wait.

Best Achievement: Iron Hammer (10 pts.) Land an attack on a taunting opponent. – If ever there was a more satisfying event in videogame history, we ain’t seen it. Honestly, what’s more fulfilling than hearing Maxi shut his face about what a great Elvis impressionist he is as you drive a lightsaber through his ribcage? Why, we certainly don’t recall The King having this burning, gaping hole in his side… Do you Maxi?

Worst Achievement: Looter of the Battlefield (20 pts.) Collect all accessories. – Talk about tedious. Grinding through the tower, whether you’re ascending or descending, to nab all this extra loot is a major pain in the neck. With unlisted requirements to unlock treasure chests —we fluked out and got one for winning a round with zero seconds left, and KO’ing our opponent as they KO’d us! — it’s a hassle to slog through, so if you want the booty, bust out the experimenting. You never know when you might need to lose by ring out to unlock a pretty necklace! If you’re aiming for Perfects (win the fight without tasting the enemy’s fist) and you’ve got a second or third character on backup, sub them in with RB when your foe is at low health to finish him off. If you sub Ivy for Cervantes, it doesn’t matter if the lady took a beating; the dead pirate is scratch free!

Easiest Achievement: First Step as an Artist (5 pts.) Customize a regular character. – A simple few taps of the A button as you navigate the menu will add a skill or accessory to any Soul Calibur character, and five points to your Gamerscore checking account. You don’t need to gussy up Kilik with a new cape and rings to boot, but if you want to take the time being a warrior’s personal fashion advisor, go ahead. If you want to avoid getting in the way of Rock’s loincloth, create your own character for another 5 GS and the “Chosen by History” Achievement.

Hardest Achievement: Hero King (30 pts.) Level up to 20 (Online). – As of this writing, our Scoreboard account on the Xbox 360 is at a level three. With 20-something fights under our belt, we’ve yet to run in to a single person who hasn’t played as the insanely cheap bo-staff wielding pretty boy Kilik, or the equally unfair to fight Yoda. Green’s stature makes him extremely difficult to hit, and Kilik’s reach often makes it impossible to get near him without being pummelled by a repeated mashing of the X button. Sure, most of you are better than us and will cruise to 20, but without hundreds of matches to lay claim to, you’ll rest below 20 for a good long time.

Weirdest Achievement: Start a New Era (5 pts.) Welcome to the new world of SOULCALIBUR! – Five points for sitting through the opening cutscene and pressing Start? That’s all? Well, if you have a spare window of time in your day, that's a quick fiver, if you need the points that bad...

Time Investment vs. Payoff: 3.5 (out of ten) – Keister, meet couch. Let’s hope you play nice because y’all are going to be spending some quality time together while we play through a ridiculous amount of fist fighting and sword swinging. There are characters to be unlocked, Jedi to destroy, counters to perform, finishers to unleash and ten kilometres of stepping to do before we unlock the Gamerscore we so desire. You’ll spend hours playing SCIV – we are currently at about hour 10 for The Scoreboard with a hundred-something points! — with miniature increments of reward. But it’s fun as all hell and the Achievements all come in time, so go nuts and beat the breast sizes of these obscenely ridiculous characters down. Please. They’re even offensive to dudes.

Overall: 8 (out of ten) – As mentioned, the “win a hundred of this” and “do a thousand of these” Achievements will gobble up your precious time like wild, but if you’re in it for the long haul, kicking the crap out of Kilik (and others if you want, but why would you?) will surely net you a fairly impressive amount of points as you check off these (mostly) clever Achievements one by one. There’s a big emphasis on unlocking and online, so stick to the ranked matches and tower-mode and you’re mint. Just make sure you’ve booked tomorrow off.

Civilization Revolution

The addiction of Civilization is plaguing the console, and it’s a disease you want to gobble up with a fork and some hot sauce. Civ Rev’s turn-based action is all well and good, sure, but what can we get out of it? Lord knows the alterna-history isn’t going to teach us anything about the socioeconomic standards of feudal Japan, so we might as well get some GS out of the thing. We can try anyway; one turn at a time.

Best Achievement: An Indomitable Will (15 pts.) Win as an Indian civilization. – Quite possibly the most hilarious historical inaccuracy portrayed in any medium, winning a match of Civ Rev with Mahatma Ghandi, the famous fasting assassinated pacifist (say that three times fast) is a hoot. The idea of a frail, skinny bald dude who’s rocking bottle-cap glasses is amusing to no end. Consider the very concept of Ghandi ordering archers to sack Paris, and try not to crack a smile. Oh, right, Gamerscore and stuff. Yeah, whatever.

Worst Achievement: Buy the Ticket, Take the Ride (3 pts.) You have met with another civilization! – What good is it discovering the existence of the Mongolians or Zulu if the only thing we’re getting out if it is three, count it, three Gamerscore. Honestly, was the discovery of North American natives only worth a measly three points to the Europeans who parked their boats on the coast? We’ve got to imagine that the high fiving going on there was worth at least ten G-score. If there’s such a small reward in it, well, let’s not even bother with the Chinese. It’s not like they’re going to get the technological upper hand, right? Right?

Easiest Achievement: Home is Where One Starts From (3 pts.) You have constructed a building! – Ugh, what happened to the good old days of scoring a touchdown for hundreds of points? Nowadays, creating settler lodging on the first turn only turns around another three points. Between discovering other human life and creating homes for people to live in, our dictatorial reign isn’t getting very far in the Gamerscore department. At least they’re quick-to-unlock Achievements, in spite of being dirty.

Hardest Achievement: That We May Live in Peace (25 pts.) Win the game by year 1000 AD on King difficulty or higher. – There is but one word to describe this particular Achievement. To pronounce it, simply open your mouth and say “ah” as if Dr. Corey Cohen had a handful of tongue depressors. Now, say it again as loud and as long as you can from the back of your throat. Got it? We did too, and pretty early on in to our 12-plus attempts at dominating, economizing and expanding our culture to win before ol’ JC’s 1000th birthday. On King difficulty, the AI takes it up a notch from their fairly passive, not-walking-the-talk relationship with players to full on “I’m going to stick this canon in your bum” mode. By the time we ever reached an enemy capital with a decent army, we were still cavemen to their Knights of the Roundtable. Sigh, complain, retry.

Time Investment vs. Payoff: 4 (out of ten) – The 50 Achievements in CivRev are surprisingly tough to chop through, and being that it’s a redux of a PC game that’s built for the ground up for consoles, there’s a lot to learn before players really start pulling in the points. A good portion requires completing the ball-busting difficulty in a bunch of different ways, so expect to learn a lot. Make sure you read the Civilopedia, too (we docked a point for it, in itself. That thing is dense).

Overall: 8.5 (out of ten) – Being that CivRev is as awesome as it is (personally, I loathe turn-based games) you’ll want to rock through all 16 civilization’s campaigns. With matches that take four or more hours, depending on your brainpower, completing a career isn’t a monthly excursion, and the Gamerscore rolls in each time you take home the gold with a different country. That’ll keep most folks busy for enough time, but real go-getters will dig the challenge of the higher difficulties and variety of victories. Civ is something everyone should at least try… There’s at least, like, six points in it for you regardless.

1942: Joint Strike

We’ll give Capcom props: pushing out reduxes of classic games is really, really awesome. We’re stoked for Bionic Commando this August, and with 1942 to hold us over ‘til then, we’re in business with Capcom bliss. Wait. Wait! 1942 is f#!&^* hard! We knew it’d be tough, but we expected to at least be able to continue from where we left off, being that the game costs ten bucks. Take this MS Point quarter, just let us play one more life! Ahem. With that in mind, be prepared for agonizing frustration to prohibit your Gamerscore progression, no matter how fun 1942 may be.

Best Achievement: Concerted Combat (10 pts.) Destroy 30 enemies using a Joint Strike. – Perhaps one of Joint Strike’s more practical awards, Concerted Combat requires a co-op ally – who you should have regardless throughout the painstaking masochism of Joint Strike.

Worst Achievement: Three Way Tie! Lightning Rod, Mosquito Wing, Shinden Striker (6, 7, 7 pts. Respectively) Complete the Game With Lightning/Mosquito/Shinden. – With Joint Strike’s limited continues (i.e., ZERO CONTINUES) being a heavy weight on your shoulders, shooting down big ol’ airplanes and completing the story mode is quite the task. Is it the kind of task you give players funky Achievement points for? No. No task is ever worth any point that is not divisible by five. Having three of them in your game is criminal, but the felony is made worse by a god-awful replay system and stupid-hard difficulty. Who knew that WWII could be such a bummer?

Easiest Achievement: Tiger (30 pts.) Collect 30 medals. – One point for each medal? Sure, why not!? This can be Achieved in the first level, and if you’re feeling naughty, dialing it down to the easiest mode can make it even easier. After annihilating the first boss, an escape sequence ensues with medals littering the battlefield as you fly south. Dodge, weave, zig and zag your way to victory during this nearly endless segment,and these 30 points are yours forever.

Hardest Achievement: Padlocked (25 pts.) Defeat all of the bosses with an S rating in one play-through. – Alright 1942, now you’re pushing our buttons. You’re fully aware that you are too hard, even on the easiest difficulty, but throwing in this outlandish requirement on top of an Achievement with a name that shouts “eff-you!” makes us sad, sad gamers. Busting up the bosses in Joint Strike is a celebratory achievement in itself, but crushing them to the point of embarrassment by earning an S ranking? Please, we could put that controller-throwing energy towards something useful, like Soul Calibur IV!

Time Investment vs. Payoff: Plane Crash (out of ten) – Completing 1942 on higher difficulties is, as far as we could tell, physically impossible. Alright, so there are people out there who can do it, and we often put our gaming skills down, but this is one legitimately tough SOB to conquer. Practice makes perfect, or in this case, kinda-alright, so keep at it until you’ve memorized as many lethal patterns as possible. You’ll need to finish this beast multiple times too, if only just to get a feel for the levels and enemy attacks, but there’s no way anyone but a seasoned shooter pro will be able to get anywhere on the higher difficulties.

Overall: 4 (out of ten) – 1942 is a fine game, but we’re going to piss and moan about it one final time: the continue system screws players. We’d gladly give it a 9 or 10 if we could just play, but nope, spending 10 bucks limits you to getting as far as you can go on one continue! Finishing Joint Strike takes less than half an hour, but it’s a gruelling amount of time for those parched and without Gamerscore sustenance.

Double D Dodgeball

If you were to see Double D Dodgeball in action without a name to attach to it, you’d swear the Space Invaders have won, and are now air hockey players. But Dodgeball’s stylings are really just a quirky style that lets you watch things throw icy discs at each other as the Achievements pour down.

Best Achievement: Double KO (15 pts.) Knock out 2 or more opponents at once using the Shooter's Super Shot. – Pulling off a Super Shot and creaming one of the Space Invader fellows in the teeth is a “Yahoo!” moment all around, but watching it bounce off of him and splatter his buddy is so awesome you might just faint. You’ll feel like you did it on purpose, that you are a Dodgeball deity, and you can tell people you are with that fancy-pants badge on your Gamercard.

Worst Achievement: Perfect Team (35 pts.) Win a 6 vs. 6 Xbox LIVE round without any teammates getting knocked out. – Let’s get this out of the way ASAP: most people on Xbox Live are silly human beings. Managing to pick up five friends to play a just-OK Dodgeball game, and convincing them all to play smart and conservatively, is like gathering five friends around a keg and telling them to “be cool. Don’t go crazy.” If your entire squad manages to knock out the entire team undefeated, you should probably start going to church.

Easiest Achievement: Ball Master (10 pts.) Use each ball in a game at least once. – With only a few variations of balls, it’s easy as pie (and pie is hella easy, if you’re out of the loop) to select them at the beginning of each round and end the minute long match with a brand spankin’ new addition to your Achievement Vault. We recommend moving the analog stick either left or right to highlight a variant, and pressing A to confirm your selection.

Hardest Achievement: 20 MVPs (25 pts.) Be the MVP player 20 times in any mode. – Being that Dodgeball is unnecessarily unfair – enemies can catch balls from any angle, while you get smoked to the edge of the screen unless you’re facing it head on – it’s a nuisance not just to earn the MVP Achievement, but to win at all. Sure, you’ll take home the glory, but not without luck. The cheap-ass CPU ‘ballers have a knack for feeding it straight to your weak spot, so unless you’re a maniacal player with slick moves, it’s a task and a half to climb the MVP ranks. Best of luck!

Time Investment vs. Payoff: 8.5 (out of ten) – There are a great amount of super easy-to-unlock Achievements out of the gate, such as playing on various courts with different balls, but winning 50 games and all that kind of business requires dedication beyond dedication. You’ll likely be content with your haul after a single sitting of power ballin’.

Overall: 9 (out of ten) – With only a few Achievements that require real effort, it’s easy to walk out of Dodgeball with over a hundred points in an hour, and you’ll enjoy it for some of the time, so it’s not a complete loss. Realistically, you’ll play this once and get everything you’ll ever need out of it, which is a bonus. It lets you move on to other flashy, neon games that are much better…

Geometry Wars Retro Evolved 2

You’ll have to forgive us for any lack of quality this week, since we played most of the games and wrote about them with our eyeballs having been completely melted, fried and served by Retro Evolved . One of the lesser known hazards about playing videogames for a living is bodily harm, but that pain has since been alleviated with the wondrous joy of Gamerscore. And while it doesn’t quite pile on like colorful claptrap on the TV screen, you won’t walk away dissatisfied, provided you’re down with murdering thousands of innocent pieces of colored shapes.

Best Achievement: Wax Off (15 pts.) Perform the Wax On achievement twice in a single game, don't forget to breathe. – We’ll avoid the low-hanging fruit of perverted humor in favor of actually giving you tips and an explanation as to why it’s the best Achievement in Geo Wars 2. Come on, we’re classier than that. To earn Wax Off, players will need to become one with themselves, become Zen, reach Nirvana. While the Pacifist mode is addicting, and the Wax On Achievement is a quick bit of fun to unlock (see Easiest Achievement) unlocking these points can be maddening. Repeated deaths can be avoided by focusing on nothing but hitting gates after you’ve finished one lap of wall-rubbing. Avoid looking for areas of the wall to grind, and just go. Avoiding enemies is your only goal, with the Achievement coming naturally in play. Of course, speedy players can gobble up the wall one and a half times before baddies become a problem, making it easier on them in the last bit.

Worst Achievement: Treaty (15 pts.) Activate 30 zones in King without firing a shot, or destroying any enemies. – Let’s hope you’re a quick mover, because cruising through 30 zones without taking anyone out is a ridiculous requirement to unlock Treaty. Considering how quickly your foes will congregate on the edges of your circular sanctuary, you’ll want to avoid hanging out in it for any amount of time. The problem is that the zones don’t reappear as often as one might prefer, so you’re often left hung out to dry with nothing to protect you from the gargantuan mass of evil triangles!

Easiest Achievement: Wax On (15 pts.) Rub your ship along all four arena walls in Pacifism. – The Pacifist Achievement from the first GeoWars is reborn in a brilliant way: an entire game mode dedicated to running the hell away. Without any method of aggressive combat (unless you count running through exploding gates “aggressive”) navigating the edges of the screen without smashing in to the impenetrable waves of blue diamonds can be both intense and infuriating. With only one life, it can be pretty rough to avoid the assaulting horde, but rubbing the walls is simpler than one might think. When the round begins, immediately start grinding the grid, and even though it doesn’t immediately show up, you can gain 20 or more percent of the required rubbin’ in the span of time it takes for the baddies to realize where you are. Escaping, fast figure eight-ing in and out of your position will confuse the brainless geometry.

Hardest Achievement: Rebound (15 pts.) Destroy 75 enemies in a game of Deadline using bullets bounced off of gates. – Rebound kills are a clever way to earn points and mix up the gameplay, but the reflective gates come around so infrequently during Deadline rounds that it becomes a chore to build up the 75 count. Thankfully, there’s a counter at the bottom of the screen to keep track for you, but by the time you’ve looked to see where you’re at, you’re already dead, and on top of that, you’ll need to blindly fire in to the gate just to focus on yourself and stay alive. It’s a dreary chore for an Achievement, but a rad concept when casually kicking the snot out of bright pink squares.

Time Investment vs. Payoff: 7 (out of ten) – With quick rounds and addictive gameplay, you might be drawing out your GW2 sessions until dawn without realizing it. A few of the Gamerscore grab-bags will take a good chunk of your day, but the tasks aren’t as difficult as the first Retro Evolved so expect the payout to be respectable.

Overall: 8.5 (out of ten) – Since you’re going to be playing Retro Evolved 2, oh, for the rest of your life, it’s good to know that you can get the Achievements out of the way in a timely fashion before allowing yourself to sink in to the game and enjoy it for what it really is: the second coming. Um, of Geometry Wars Retro Evolved. Phew. Controversial crisis averted.

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The End is nigh, and only one true warrior can remain. Reach deep in to your burning soul and feel the inner power within all of us… uh, to Achieve! We had a good week this week, with Soul Calibur IV and Civ being fantastic retail releases, with some major hotness on backup on the XBLA front. It’s good to be an Achievement whore, and if you want to let us know your thoughts on recent 360 Achievements, email us your own reader review and we’ll make you Internet-famous. Also, there’ll be sweet-ass swag in the deal for you.

As a side note, can we just put this out there?

Namco! Create a Star Wars fighting game. Please. Oh, please.

Until next time, valiant warriors, keep that soul a-burnin’!

Heh. Wax Off.