It's back! The deepest journalistic gaming coverage of Achievement points across the seven spectrums of space: The Scoreboard. What you’re about to read may contain graphic detail of the latest games' Achievements, tips on unlocking them, and a critical analysis of how awesome they may or may not make you.

Okay, so we don’t span all seven spectrums, but The Scoreboard is back for another week of reviewing the Xbox 360’s crown jewel and gamers’ raisons d'être: Achievements, Gamerscore, and the rad 80x80 images that accompany them. Feel free to check out our studies of Universe at War, NBA Ballers: Chosen One, Lost Cities and the bargain bin winner Earth Defence Force: 2017 over the next few pages for the most reliable Achievement reviews available.

Universe at War: Earth Assault

The game-pad is no substitute for a mouse when it comes to real-time strategy games, but it gets the job done, and by the job, we mean “unlocking Achievements”.  Universe at War: Earth Assault is tight-fisted with the goods, but with supreme investment, strategic commanders will be obliterating spider-tanks and extracting the Gamerscore resources that they contain.

Best Achievement – The Sacred Cow (10 pts.) Collect 200 cows in Ranked or Conquer the World multiplayer games using Kamal Rex. The Sacred Cow gives you a badge featuring a cow rocking a high calibre machine gun. Do you need any more than that?

Worst Achievement – My Virtual Life (45 pts.) Play multiplayer for 75 hours. This one has “FAIL” written all over it. Universe is a pretty damn good game and all, but will anyone ever spend 75 hours online? Most gamers don’t have the attention span (or care) to play a 50+ hour RPG, let alone a hundred or more online battles. Don’t waste your time.

Easiest Achievement – The Basics (10 pts.) Complete the Prelude Campaign. The tutorial is about 15 minutes long, and consists of baby stepping the unfamiliar through the the first race, the Novus, and the basics of the genre. Since you’re playing an RTS, you’re obviously in it for the long haul; this is as good a place as any to learn what’s what and bank ten points in the process.

Hardest Achievement – Skirmish King (50 pts.) Defeat 3 hard AI players during a skirmish session. Having three enemies head-hunting you is pretty rough. This is for seasoned players looking to really challenge themselves, which this will. The payoff is pretty decent, but don’t plan on walking in without intimate knowledge of how to lay an anime-robot ass-whoopin’.

Time Investment vs. Payoff – Quit your job (out of ten) Even if “My Virtual Life” wasn’t on the list, the amount of time you’d have to sink in to Universe at War is a little unfair to your social life. Missions are simple enough, but the cats who play online are ruthless and don’t plan on losing to you. You’ll be lucky to walk out of a complete campaign with more than a couple hundred points. Get good, or get out.

Overall – 4 (out of ten) The RTS genre is very slow paced, and despite UaW’s fantastically implemented control scheme, a mouse and hot-keys are preferable to increase efficiency. The Achievements are the same for the Games for Windows version, so if that’s your preference, go for it. There are a few cross-platform Achievements (though the cross-platform patch has yet to come out) as well as some interesting skirmish stuff to keep you going for a long time if you’re in to that. Let’s face it though, you definitely aren’t.

NBA Ballers: The Chosen One

A year-and-a-bit after the other (and far superior) arcade b-balling game, NBA Ballers: Chosen One is ready and ripe for the Achievement pickin’. If you can tolerate the frustrating learning curve, you’ll be unlocking the good stuff as often as you’re making ridiculous NBA Jam-alike dunks. There’s a certain discipline you’ll need to play Ballers, which has a load of frustrating flaws that most will find to annoying to keep playing  – rightfully so, too – but if you’re in the market for a few hundred points, this is one to consider renting or borrowing.

Best Achievement – Show Off! (100 pts.) Performed a Level 3 Shut 'Em Down Move in a Single Match in Single Player Game Modes Once you’ve got the hang of the game, boosting your “Juice” with the “Act-a-Fool” tricks to the third level is cake. Dancing around chumps is only a few annoying button prompts away, and in turn, so are the 100 Gs.  Stringing together a sick combo and finishing it off with a bodacious dunk is the most satisfying experience to be had in Ballers.

Worst Achievement – Loser (0 pts.) Lost 5 Consecutive Ranked Matches If you manage to find someone to play in a ranked match, well, don’t go out of your way to do this. Sure, it’s easy to give away turnovers and deliberately miss shots, but Achievements are sustenance. There isn’t much we can do with a zero point Achievement except sob about the embarrassing “YOU SUCK” badge.

Runner Up – Double Double (100 pts.) Defeat every Episode of Story Mode twice Talk about high expectations for the replay value of your game. Forcing folks to play through the whole thing for another 6-10 hours (depending on how good you are) is lame. Foul, Midway!

Easiest Achievement – Respect (10 pts.) Watched the Credits Movie in its entirety This Achievement is getting really old, but it’s free points. Does anyone actually stick around and watch this, or do they do they go grill some burgers or bathe a dog? Just chuck on the credits from the Options menu and walk away for a while.

Hardest Achievement – Can't Stop the Reign (100 pts.) Unlock all Super Dunks Serious ass-busting is required for unlocking Super Dunks, which don’t do much more than look cool. Granted, they look really freaking cool. We still aren’t 100% positive as to how to go about unlocking more than half of these, since the game doesn’t actually tell you how to do so.

Time Investment vs. Payoff – 7 (out of ten) The story mode takes anywhere from 8-10 hours on the first go, and less time if you’re a b-ball-badass. It takes forever to learn, but Ballers shouldn’t take more than a weekend to satisfy the Achievement-whores. Rent it.

Overall –  6 (out of ten) Dealing with flawed gameplay in NBA Ballers: Chosen One  is less of a big deal when you’re slam-dunking from half-court and bouncing basketballs of opponents faces. Achievements help alleviate the pain almost entirely, but you’ll need to learn the game (which takes a lot of effort) if you’re going to walk away with a decent amount of them.

Lost Cities

Despite what its adventure themes might suggest, Lost Cities features very little seafaring, safaris, or spelunking. It does, however, feature cards, strategy, and an uncanny amount of fun – good thing, too, because you’ll need some serious strategic skill to unlock Achievements in a timely matter. This XBLA winner isn’t exactly generous with the Achievement points, but if your card-based badass-ery mixes well with the luck-of-the-draw, you’ll be digging up Gamerscore gold in due time.

Best Achievement – Excavator (20 pts.) Play more than 9 cards in one expedition and win the game in single player or online. There are few things more crushing to your opponent’s inner being than seeing you drop nine cards of the same color on to one expedition pile. The only thing that can make this more ceiling-punching-ly radical is piling the final cards on top of three multipliers... while on the Vision camera.

Worst Achievement – Archaeologist (25 pts.) Win 300 times in any single player or online modes. It’s a pretty random game, though there is a bit of skill and strategy required to win. And while it’s also awesome, it’s kind of harsh to depend on Lady Luck to toss great cards to you over 300 games.

Easiest Achievement – Pack Mule (5 pts.) Play at least one Number 10 card and win the game. This Achievement is heavily reliant on luck, but the odds of a ten-card getting thrown your way are extraordinarily high. Simply drop one, win the game, and walk away rich. Well, 5 Gamerscore rich.

Hardest Achievement – Treasure Hunter (25 pts.) Score 250 points in a 3-round game and win the game in single player or online. Decent players will clock in around 150 points by the end of the third match. If you aren’t being dealt cards that score you in the high hundreds or so each round, you might as well just quit and retry.

Time Investment vs. Payoff – 5 (out of 10) Serious players will spend a lot of time both online and off, unlocking a fair amount of points in the process. Some require big points and specific cards to unlock certain Achievements, and you’ll be playing hundreds of games before you walk away with the full 200.

Overall – 7 (out of ten) If you’re willing to learn how to play, you’ll develop some decent strategies to wreck the opposition. Lost Cities is fun enough that you’ll probably play until you earn the “play x games online/offline” Achievements before realizing how much time you’ve lost. Still, it’s not very tough to walk away from Lost Cities with a respectable amount of Achievements.

Earth Defence Force 2017

While diving in the discount bin we came across one of the most underappreciated Xbox 360 action games to date. If “B” movies are up your alley, then the ant killing, giant robot massacring, skyscraper demolishing third person antics of Earth Defence Force: 2017 might be just the chaotic gaming kick you need. If you’re a fan of Achievements, however, EDF is among the harshest of all the Xbox games. Without multiple 20+ hour play-throughs, you won’t be able to net more than one of the six available Achievements.

Best Achievement – All Stages Cleared--Normal (100 pts.) Acquired after clearing all stages in Normal mode. We burned through this mode in a couple days, co-op. Since it’s likely to be the first and only mode gamers will even attempt to play, finishing off the unbelievably colossal final boss and seeing your first Achievement pop up is one of the most gratifying “Wow, finally!” moments ever. High fives all around.

Worst Achievement – All Weapons Acquired (200 pts.) Awarded after acquiring all the weapons in the game. This is one of the most time consuming Achievements to ever grace an Xbox disc. Every time you reduce a robot to rubble, it’s bound to drop some weapons/armor, but the weapon collection aspect of the game is reliant on luck once you hit a certain point. Once you’ve get in the “170 weapons collected” range, that last one will elude you for dozens of arduous hours. EDF is an addictive shooter, yeah, but this is getting out of hand.

Easiest Achievement – All Stages Cleared--Easy (50 pts.) Acquired after clearing all stages in Easy mode. It’s better to blast your way through the campaign with a buddy than to rock it solo, and easy is as good a mode as any to get a non-gamer hooked on the child’s-play simplicity of the Easy difficulty. The spiders practically web themselves to death. You just have to be present.

Hardest Achievement – All Stages Cleared-Inferno (300 pts.) Acquired after clearing all stages in Inferno mode.  Bring on the divine intervention, because without it, you don’t stand a chance in hell of ever beating Inferno. For real. This is a ludicrous requirement, and if the EDF’s health isn’t over 10000, they’re ground beef in seconds. Enemy speed, attack rate, and HP have been boosted to astronomical proportions, to the point that if you’re playing co-op, it isn’t enough. Do this last, if you ever make it to the plus-200-hour-mark.

Time Investment vs. Payoff – 5 (out of ten) While EDF:2017 demands that you leave the wife and kids behind you, grow out your beard and have the delivery guy feed you, the payoff is proportional. Unfortunately, none of the Achievements are retroactive, so don’t go in on Normal expecting to cover the ground for Easy. It isn’t happening, bub. Get in there and do the work yourself. It’s fun, and it’s worth it, but by the time you’re finished, you’re already dead.

Overall – 6 (out of ten) As a game, EDF is surprisingly entertaining. It’s addictive, but it’s straight-up busted. Enemies attach themselves to building rubble and half-hour missions become frustratingly repetitive when one stupid ant gets stuck in a wall, but the constant, fiery action is intense. Oh yeah, the Achievements are cool too, provided you can stick out the errors long enough to reel any of them in. Check your local bargain bin for this must-buy sub-20-dollar Xbox 360 title if you’ve got a summer to fill.

*****

Something’s missing, right? What could it be? Why don’t you e-mail us your own Achievement-based reader review of a recent Xbox 360 game and let us know? Thanks for reading this week, and the next time you see The Scoreboard pop up, we should have an awesome line-up of games that are begging to be stripped of their Gamerscore. We’ll bring you the most integral information available about Achievements, because you know, we kind of do that.