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Not a Street Fighter Movie Review
I went to see Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li. I didn't go because I particularly wanted to; I went for an article we're doing for the next issue. You'll see it soon. But that's not a straight-up review of the film, and I thought, gee, maybe I should do that for the site.
Then I realized...nobody wants to read a review of this film. Nobody wants to put in that much energy. I don't think fans expected it to be good to begin with, and their expectations were pretty much met. The movie's not good, and it's not so bad to be enjoyable on that bad level. It's just sort of...pointless. Just rent the 1994 Street Fighter movie and revel in its cheese, which is actually embarassingly campy fun compared to this Very Serious Action Movie About Very Serious People.
If you've never reviewed a movie in a dark theater, it's a pretty simple process: bring a pen and a pad of paper, and write short, very large notes without looking. So rather than a review, I thought I'd just share the fragmented but more or less chronological notes I took while watching, and that will probably tell you all you need to know. (In other words, there are spoilers ahead.)
Michael Clarke Duncan as Balrog...fighting with a table
Neal McDonough from Desperate Housewives is Bison. Irish? Thailand?
Chun-Li's dad sets his own hand on fire
Bison kidnaps Chun-Li's dad
She grew up in Hong Kong and can't read Chinese?
Chun-Li's profession: piano prodigy?
"Just like her father...always standing up when standing's not easy."
WHY IS BISON IRISH?
Nash - Chris Klein, Interpol
"Was this mysterious scroll a message?" OMG
Scroll says go to Bangkok, live on streets
Lesson: Don't take career advice from an ancient scroll
Robin Shou is Gen - was Liu Kang in the MK movie
Chris Klein - no acting like overacting. Bad drunk Bruce Willis impersonating Nic Cage
She's got a spinning bird amulet
Wallspring move used in an actual street fight
You can guess most lines before they are spoken
Bison buys waterfront and wants to bulldoze the slums
Maya - other cop, Nash's partner with boobs
Chun-Li...catches pinballs?
Dumb lesbian dance party...it's stopped being forgettable and mediocre and moved into memorably bad
She wears a lot of blue
Wet bathroom catfight
"Street Fighter!" rap song...in nightclub fight w/Spinning Bird Kick
Bison punches a girl like she was a heavy bag
Bison has a daughter? Transferred conscience into her
Balrog shoots RPG into Gen's rooftop dojo
Every scene...you hope the credits are next
Chun-Li vs Vega
"Sometimes you have to stand up when standing isn't easy." Uh oh, catchphrase
"Your father has been the milk of my operation...but even milk has an expiration date." - Bison
Bison kills her dad in front of her
Chun-Li shoots someone?
Balrog defeated by thrown vegetables
She learns to make a fireball
Nash likes bad rap music
Nope, still can't care
I really wish someone would suddenly smash a car to death in 30 seconds
These street fighters are using a lot of guns
Gen vs Balrog
Rose appears; she's Bison's daughter
Bison vs. Gen
This movie is actually about Bison
Bison: More psycho, less crusher
She kills him! In front of Rose!
Namedropped Ryu at the end
I watched when watching was not easy...
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danumba12
May 26, 2009 at 12:47am
well i havent seen the movie yet... but i will still watch it just cause its street fighters hotest chick lol...
Colombianlove41
April 06, 2009 at 12:33pm
The pictures make me not want to see it again. I see Chris Klein thinks this will make him hot in Hollywood again...well, he wasn't ever but..wow, what a piece of crap! Take my money PLEASE! That's impossible, Rhonda. How can you sleep when you're high on crack? Chinese riddle for you.
Tyrone_Hawk
March 12, 2009 at 1:35pm
OMG, Dan. Please, by the mercy of the Almighty, don't tell us the secret that made you watch this trash is that... THEY ARE MAKING A VIDEOGAME BASED ON THE MOVIE!!!! Please Lord no no no...
SteelWarhawk
March 10, 2009 at 5:04pm
You have endured a pain no man or woman was ever suppose to. Sadly you saved me cause a trusted friend said it was good and was trying to talk me in to seeing it with him. I have seen my share of bad movies from the laughable Mario brothers and street fighter versions to the abominations like Max Payne. {sob} That is the sorta pain that never goes away.
Neufanator
March 06, 2009 at 12:41pm
I think film companies purchase video game rights and toss a cheaply-made movie to theaters to cash-in on the fan base; Max Payne got poor reviews and harsh criticism, yet the movie was near the top of the box office charts in the first week. Some companies just look to make a quick buck. It's not fair to the fans. There have been a few pearls in the sea of crap: I thought Silent Hill wasn't too bad and the first Resident Evil was very enjoyable, but even those films could be better. I'm not saying that they should make 'the perfect video game movie,' but directors should be putting more care into their films; just because the film is based on a video game (GASP!) doesn't mean it isn't unlike all the other films that hit the silver screen. I think if filmmakers really went the extra mile, coached the actors, took the time to work on a decent screenplay, and chose not throw in game characters just to say "Look! It's [insert name] from [insert game]!", then upcoming video game films might fare a little better. That's just my opinion.
Dan OXM (not verified)
March 05, 2009 at 12:42pm
We just haven't had time to do them. Not a lack of love or desire, just only so many people, and many important things that need doing. I blog with stuff like this in my free time.
Bubba L
March 05, 2009 at 12:51am
yea. i'm pretty sure no one was goign to watch this movie anyway.... and like it has been said before.... what happened to the rockaband dlc reviews? those were awesome to check in every week.
Cronos501
March 04, 2009 at 11:20am
Oi! If you didn't want to see the movie because it was a waste of time then you should bring back the rock band DLC reviews
MitchyD
March 04, 2009 at 10:37am
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