“Energy drink” used to mean “coffee.” Now it’s a euphemism for “high-caffeine soft drink brimming with various types of sugars, weird ingredients like taurine and guarana, and occasionally, a few useful vitamins.” Every so often, Dan (the Connoisseur) and Corey (the Junkie) will hold an informal, simultaneous taste-test in their search for the perfect power beverage — it’s their Energy Quest. It’s not scientific, but it is honest. And it might be extreeeeeeeeeeme.

Health Energy Potion
1.69-ounce shot
manapotions.com

Corey “The Junkie” Cohen

Describe the flavor: What bubbling cauldron of witchbrew stink is this? Honestly, before I could take a sip, I was struck dumb by the smell — it’s pretty gross. Thankfully, once you do quaff it, it’s not so bad: somewhat cinnamon, with a hint of Jolly Rancher Fire flavor. I can’t say I like it — in retrospect, 5-Hour Energy and Jolt Endurance Shot are way more palatable — but I can handle it.

“The Jitters”: I’m getting some mild tingles in my hands, chest, and forehead. Guess this spell has a good area of effect.

Focus & alertness: They’re better than they were — take that, sleep dep! — but it’s a small-to-medium boost, not a large one: I feel like I’ve gone from low health to half-health. I’m surprised it didn’t hit me harder — the manufacturer’s website cites a caffeine count “equivalent to about two 8-ounce Red Bulls or four cups of crappy office coffee.” My buzz isn’t even close to that.

Comments from the peanut gallery: Brave Juliann was intrigued by the bottle, but the odor got her, too — “I’d rather die than drink this,” she winced as she shoved it away.

Stank breath: I expected hideousness; I got…nothing. Phew. Think I’m safe here.

Packaging sex appeal: The presentation is brilliant: a health potion that heals you with the rejuvenating power of caffeine, taurine, and B vitamins. What roleplaying fan (or patron of cool-looking collectibles and goodies) could possibly resist?

How hard did you crash?: Only a little. I drank it at noon, then felt my wakeyness waning by the mid-afternoon. When it’d worn off, I was a bit weary but not hungover.

Other comments: From a marketing standpoint, this drink is definitely mana — the whole red-health-potion-in-a-plastic-vial angle is genius. And I don’t expect these kinds of vitamin-laced “shooter” drinks to taste terrific: they’re all about energy, not drink. But still, this elixir dealt some damage to my tastebuds. I think more sweet, less sour — like other shot-style e-drinks I’ve had — would be more to my liking.

(SIDENOTE: Why are health potions always red, anyway? It may be the color of blood, but it also signifies danger, anger…and the Devil! Shouldn’t green — the safe, natural, fertile color — represent health? Anyway…)

The Verdict: 6.0 (out of 10)

Dan “The Connoisseur” Amrich

Describe the flavor: As a blend of apple, cinnamon, and elderberry, it could be delicious, but I’ll chalk it up as “surprisingly not disgusting.” There’s a rule to energy shots — they usually work great but taste terrible. This breaks that rule, and it’s about time something did. It’s certainly the best-tasting shot I’ve tried.
 
“The Jitters”: I didn’t tweak. I was up, but I wasn’t dangerously or uncomfortably up.
 
Focus & alertness: After a late night and an early morning, this perked me up pretty much immediately. Within 10 minutes I felt able to function.
 
Comments from the peanut gallery: “Oh, like in the games. Cute. No, I don’t want one.”
 
Stank breath: Minimal, but there was a slightly waxy tongue coating, and a mild cinnamon aftertaste. You know when you chew cinnamon gum and you can still taste it about 10 minutes after you spit it out? It was kind of like that — not bad by any means, just a mental awareness that “Hey, I just had an energy shot a few minutes ago.”
 
Packaging sex appeal: Awesome. A little red vial is super-iconic for anybody who plays WoW or Diablo; this makes so much geek sense it’s scary.
 
How hard did you crash?: I didn’t — I simply went back to pre-Health levels almost exactly five hours later.
 
Other comments: I wasn’t expecting too much from this; I’d tried a Mana potion before and it didn’t do much for me either in the taste or power departments. But this tasted much better, it worked fast, and it worked long — going on four hours, I still hadn’t peaked. I can’t ask for more from an energy drink, really. I admit this is based on only one sample, so I’m curious to try it again at different times of day and energy levels — but I was pretty pooped coming into this and it did the job with flava. 

The Verdict: 9.0 (out of 10)

 
Missed some of our earlier Energy Quests? You can find our old adventures here!