“Energy drink” used to mean “coffee.” Now it’s a euphemism for “high-caffeine soft drink brimming with various types of sugars, weird ingredients like taurine and guarana, and occasionally, a few useful vitamins.” Every so often, Dan (the Connoisseur) and Corey (the Junkie) will hold an informal, simultaneous taste-test in their search for the perfect power beverage — it’s their Energy Quest. It’s not scientific, but it is honest. And it might be extreeeeeeeeeeme.

Xtreme Shock (Fruit Punch)
12-ounce bottle
www.xtremeshock.com

 
Dan “The Connoisseur” Amrich

Describe the flavor: As the old ad slogan goes, nothing tastes like Hawaiian Punch…except this. At first it was refreshing and sharp, but as I made it through the bottle, the sugar-substitute taste became apparent. Not enough to shake me off, but I noticed it.

“The Jitters”: Nothing to speak of. The energy came on slower, and therefore didn’t hit me as hard.

Focus & alertness: I felt perked up for sure; as the afternoon wore on, I didn’t taper off, but instead ramped up. I was able to do three or four things at once and not lose track of the details.

Negative impact on co-workers: They didn’t notice.

Stank breath: No worse than my normal stank breath. I shouldn’t forget to brush.

Packaging sex appeal: It looks like Gatorade Junior. I think that’s intentional — this is aimed at the sports-drink consumer.

How hard did you crash?: No sugar and reasonable caffeine means no major issues.

Other comments: Combine the fact that the words “accelerate fat loss” appear on the label with the testimonials from weightlighters and fitness trainers on the company’s website, and it won’t surprise you to find you can buy it at health-food stores. Those are usually alien worlds to gamers, but it’s worth getting your pudgy butt to GNC for this one.

The Verdict:  8.5 (out of 10)

Corey “The Junkie” Cohen

Describe the flavor: WAYYYYYYY too sweet. It’s like cherry Kool-Aid that would’ve actually been pretty tasty if someone hadn’t put in an extra kiloton of sugar when they mixed it. Kinda ironic, really, since the drink is flavored with the sugar substitute Sucralose — a fact the bottle touts with a “Zero Sugar” message.

“The Jitters”: Not a twinge. No shakes, quakes, or tweaking.

Focus & alertness: I feel more awake in the best possible way — it’s a subtle buzz that comes on slowly, until you suddenly realize you’re much more alert and invigorated.

Negative impact on co-workers: Quite the contrary — my sadistic comrades enjoyed seeing my face contort every time I took a swig. Damn them.

Stank breath: Fruity sugar breath. Did I just eat Fun Dip?

Packaging sex appeal: Modest. Xtreme Shock is clearly chasing Gatorade fans, using a smaller bottle that promises an energy-drink punch (“Feel the rush in 15 minutes!”) you won’t get with the typical sports drink. Intern Scott called it “Gatorade with a Napoleon complex,” which is oddly accurate given how Xtreme compensates for its shortness by cramming in an absurd level of sweetness.

How hard did you crash?: Zero crash. In fact, I felt revved-up for hours after drinking it.

Other comments: Xtreme Shock’s another energy drink that I want to love but my palate won’t let me — the taste is just too gross. So I’ll settle for a strong “like,” as this stuff does give you a terrific boost. I’m skeptical that it “accelerates fat loss,” but it did get me pumped up and eager to get my game on (or hit an elliptical machine).

The Verdict:  7.5 (out of 10)