“Energy drink” used to mean “coffee.” Now it’s a euphemism for “high-caffeine soft drink brimming with various types of sugars, weird ingredients like taurine and guarana, and occasionally, a few useful vitamins.” Every so often, Dan (the Connoisseur) and Corey (the Junkie) will hold an informal, simultaneous taste-test in their search for the perfect power beverage — it’s their Energy Quest. It’s not scientific, but it is honest. And it might be extreeeeeeeeeeme.

Rockstar (Original)
16-ounce can
www.rockstar69.com

 
Corey “The Junkie” Cohen

Describe the flavor: I…can’t? For some reason, the usual adjectives — “tart” or “sour” for fruity drinks, “creamy” or “mocha-y” for coffee drinks — don’t seem right. To me, it tastes like a bolder, stronger Red Bull, with more of that potent amino stank.

“The Jitters”: A little. The first time I tried Rockstar — back when I was new to e-drinks — I got the classic shaky-hands from all the caffeine and sugar. Now that I chug these drinks more often, the jitters are a lot milder…but still there.

Focus & alertness: Pow! I’m certainly more awake and alert. Rockstar hits hard, and it definitely delivers the ol’ several-hour power.

Negative impact on co-workers: Nope. In fact, it used to be sold in the soda machine here at work. Thanks to its Red Bull/Monster level of popularity, Rockstar’s pretty immune to scorn.

Stank breath: Some. There’s a weird tang that’s making me smack my lips occasionally.

Packaging sex appeal: The label’s a bit cheesy, but it does a terrific job of hammering home its message: This drink will make you a STAR. I mean, who doesn’t want to be rock star? That said, the whole “Bigger, Stronger, Faster” blurb on the front is just dumb.

How hard did you crash?: Moderate crash almost every time. I’m not WRECKED, Burnout-style, but four to five hours after slugging a Rockstar, I feel sleepytime coming on.

Other comments: This might be weird to say, but it seems like energy drinks have evolved a lot since Rockstar’s original flavor debuted several years ago. It gives a pretty good buzz, sure, but it also tastes decent at best and, in my case, makes me crash often. I’ll happily drink it, but I’d be happier with a similarly strong Full Throttle.

The Verdict: 7.0 (out of 10)

Dan “The Connoisseur” Amrich

Describe the flavor: Take a Pixy Stik, stir it in 7-Up, and then add another Pixy Stik. It’s that sweet. Closer to lemon than anything else, but not really able to be called lemon. Also, it’s…fragrant.

“The Jitters”: Rockstar always gets me a little tweaky. After about 30 minutes, I’m racing.

Focus & alertness: Definitely works. I felt up and alert.

Negative impact on co-workers: When people see the golden urine color in the snifter, they get a little grossed out. Other than that, nothing.

Stank breath: Yes. Amino acids are out in force, I guess.

Packaging sex appeal: Nothing all that special — I always thought the can looked kind of low-rent, complete with its uninspired “Party like a Rockstar” tagline and let’s-try-to-be-vulgar URL — but it is iconic. The black and gold reminds me of a pimped-out Escalade.

How hard did you crash?: Sadly, I almost always do. When Rockstar wears off, it wears off hard. I go from 100 to zero almost instantly.

Other comments: I always thought Red Bull tasted like a multivitamin, so the day I found Rockstar was a good one. I have since fallen off the wagon, as it tastes over-sweet to me and there are now so many alternatives. I’ll still drink it, but it’s not my first choice any more. There are other flavors of Rockstar I prefer more.

The Verdict: 7.5 (out of 10)