“Energy drink” used to mean “coffee.” Now it’s a euphemism for “high-caffeine soft drink brimming with various types of sugars, lots of caffeine, weird ingredients like taurine and guarana, and occasionally, a few useful vitamins.” Every so often, Dan (the Connoisseur) and Corey (the Junkie) will hold an informal, simultaneous taste-test in their search for the perfect power beverage -- it's their Energy Quest. It's not scientific, but it is honest. And it might be extreeeeeeeeeeme.

Stoked Energy — Original flavor
16-ounce can
www.stokedenergy.com

Dan “The Connoisseur” Amrich

Describe the flavor: Strongly citrus, almost like a lemonade. Not that far from Rockstar, but mellower, with less pucker power and bite.

Irritability (stomach): None for me. 

Irritability (personality): Quite the opposite. It just made me happy.

“The Jitters”: After about a half a can/half an hour, I started to feel tweaky. 

Focus & alertness: While under the influence, I totally, totally rocked at Rock Band’s “Cherub Rock” and “Flirtin’ With Disaster” on Expert. I was in the groove.

Negative impact on co-workers: Well, it seems to make Corey angry. 

Stank breath: Fairly high.

Packaging sex appeal: Glossy black can, with a red-orange Asian dragon. Looks like an import tuner car, only less obnoxious. I feel cool holding it, and not just because it’s cold. 

How hard did you crash?: Not bad at all. I still had energy a few hours later, and went to bed as normal.

Other comments: Stoked is fairly unique in that it doesn’t use high fructose corn syrup – a substance widely blamed for everything from rampant obesity to simply ruining classic soft drinks. Stoked uses sucrose instead – good ol’ fashioned table sugar, like Mexican Coca-Cola – and I can taste the difference. Unfortunately, with its rich golden color, it looks the same going in as it does coming out.

The Verdict: 8.0 (out of 10)

Corey “The Junkie” Cohen

Describe the Flavor: Crazy-sour in a gross, tongue-tasting-lemon kinda way. You know how a dog licks its mouth uncontrollably after eating peanut butter? I’m doing that to try to wash away the taste.

Irritability (stomach): Small rumbles that threaten to become bowel-shaking earthquakes (of doubt and remorse). Stomach-wise, this drink doesn’t really agree with me.

Irritability (personality): Honestly, not much grouchiness felt. A plus.

“The Jitters”: Not too bad, thankfully. Blessed motor control, fully intact.

Focus & Alertness: I do feel sharper and more mentally stimulated. Solid points in this category.

Stank breath: Stinky, but not in a projecting way that’ll befoul everyone around me. It’s kinda localized, like a mouth full of Sour Patch candy.

Negative impact on co-workers: They’ve said nothing…though I’m not sure whether that’s a good sign or bad. 

Packaging sex appeal: The “T” in Stoked is vampiric and cool. It’s virile and studly — which is kinda at odds with the wimpy sour taste in my mouth.

How hard did you crash?: A little bit, but nothing too major. 

Other comments: In terms of waking me up, Stoked delivered the goods. The tradeoff is its taste — sour, saccharine, tart, not-so-yummy. I’d drink it again to pep me up, but then again, I’ll drink just about any energy drink. I wouldn’t choose this one per se, but if I had no other option, I'd definitely want to chase it with something to soothe my stomach and cleanse my palette of the awful taste.