“Energy drink” used to mean “coffee.” Now it’s a euphemism for “high-caffeine soft drink brimming with various types of sugars, lots of caffeine, weird ingredients like taurine and guarana, and occasionally, a few useful vitamins.” Every so often, Dan (the Connoisseur) and Corey (the Junkie) will hold an informal, simultaneous taste-test in their search for the perfect power beverage — it's their Energy Quest. It's not scientific, but it is honest. And it might be extreeeeeeeeeeme.

SoBe No Fear
16-ounce can
www.sobenofear.com

Corey “The Junkie” Cohen

Describe the Flavor: Weird! Most energy drinks hit you with a sharp, pungent taste that’s anywhere from tart to acidic. But No Fear tastes oddly diluted — like someone took a Rockstar Juiced and watered it down. Where’s the flavor, SoBe?

Irritability (stomach): All mellow down there, yup yup.

Irritability (personality): No mood-altering or amped-up–ness, but damn if I’m not a little freaked out by how much my heart’s racing.

“The Jitters”: Yeah! No Fear’s extra jolt of caffeine is making my hands shake a bit, and I feel kind of twitchy. If I weren’t at work, I’d probably pace all over the place or start banging away at Rock Band’s drums. (Never mind if the game was turned on.)

Focus & Alertness: More awake? Yes. But I also have that brick-to-the-brain feeling of shotgunning too much caffeine, too fast, so it’s hard to concentrate.

Stank breath: On the stank-ometer, my breath is a 5 out of 10. My wife might kiss me, but she wouldn’t like it.

Negative impact on co-workers: They’ve had to listen to me tap along to music and gripe about this all-new version of Pulse Racer, so yeah, I’d call it negative.

Packaging sex appeal: Points: the “No Fear” logo looks kind of sweet/cool/menacing, and the flames make me feel +10 Tough Guy. No points: those two geckos/newts/whatever in the middle make me feel …earthy/hippie? Hmm.

How hard did you crash?: I didn’t really, but I did have trouble falling asleep that night (about eight hours after drinking my 16-ounce can), which was mildly annoying.

Other comments: No Fear is a perfectly serviceable energy drink — especially if you’re looking for a one with a pretty big kick — but it tastes lousy and it’s probably a little too strong for the casual crowd that’s used to an 8-ounce Red Bull (or coffee). It’d do in a pinch, but we’d reach for something else if we had the option.

The Verdict: 4.0 (out of 10)

Dan "The Connoisseur" Amrich

Describe the flavor: Watered-down carbonated multivitamin. Reminds me of a better-tasting Red Bull, with a hint of indeterminate flavor. Cherry? Citrus? Cactus? No idea. It’s sweet and that’s about all I can tell.

Irritability (stomach): No problem, until I did some research. Read on.

Irritability (personality): No more than usual.

“The Jitters”: Noticable. I had a few minor chest pains.

Focus & alertness: A little slow in arriving, considering it was 16 ounces.

Negative impact on co-workers: Today, it was all positive, because they wanted me to be awake.

Stank breath: Pretty high.

Packaging sex appeal: How can you go wrong with a black can featuring red flames and an outdated extreme sports brand catchphrase? Dude — you can’t.

How hard did you crash?: No more than usual. Felt it, but it didn’t wipe me out.

Other comments: This is the first energy drink I’ve seen advertise Arginine on its can; there’s only 10mg in there compared to 1000mg of Taurine (per serving, and there’s two servings per can), but it’s in the mix. Arginine relaxes and dilates blood vessels, which no doubt helps the 87mg of caffeine flow through your system quicker. That’s also why arginine is used to treat erectile dysfunction. Go big or go home!

The Verdict: 5.0 (out of 10)