“Energy drink” used to mean “coffee.” Now it’s a euphemism for “high-caffeine soft drink brimming with various types of sugars, weird ingredients like taurine and guarana, and occasionally, a few useful vitamins.” Every so often, Dan (the Connoisseur) and Corey (the Junkie) will hold an informal, simultaneous taste-test in their search for the perfect power beverage — it’s their Energy Quest. It’s not scientific, but it is honest. And it might be extreeeeeeeeeeme.

Shower Shock
4-ounce bar
http://www.thinkgeek.com/caffeine/accessories/5a65/

[NOTE TO READERS: We fully appreciate the terrifying prospect of what you’re about to read. Rest assured, you’ll find no vivid descriptions of bathing editors or dewy manflesh in these reviews. We’re sticking to the facts here. And the fact is, the only time “creamy lather” and either of us should share a sentence is if we’re describing some delicious beer we drank. — Corey and Dan]

Corey “The Junkie” Cohen

Describe the flavor: I was all ready to nibble on it in the name of science, but Dan’s disgusted look brought me back from the brink. Phew. So I’ll settle for smelling it. Mmmm...fresh, brisk peppermint!

“The Jitters”: Nope. Just the usual tingly goodness you get from washing with a nice glycerine soap.

Focus & alertnesss: I used this bar four or five times — on my hands, on my face, in the shower — and felt nothing. No bounce, no rush. Argh. Where’s that “200mg of caffeine per wash” (for 12 washes)?! What do you have to do for a buzz — pretend you’re Ethan Hawke in Gattaca, scrubbing off every last skin cell? At least taking a shower left me a little refreshed.

Comments from the peanut gallery: A couple of PC Gamer editors were amused by it. Ryan just shook his head disapprovingly, calling the whole concept “ridiculous.”

Stank breath: Not with this stuff. Unless someone washes your mouth out with soap, which, however much it might suck, would give you some yummy Altoids breath.

Packaging sex appeal: No go — it comes in a cellophane wrapper with a bright-blue sticker bearing the Shower Shock logo. Oh, and a white thunderbolt. Yay. If it’s a gimmick to begin with, why no fancy tin with awesome choral soundchip (and mini spotlights?) triggered when you open it? Now that’d be cool.

How hard did you crash?: I’m cranky ’cause I skipped my morning (and afternoon, and evening) coffees, figuring/desperately hoping this stuff would work.

Other comments: Wow, was that disappointing. I’ve bought some really cool items from ThinkGeek before; was I crazy to believe the site’s claim that “Caffeine can be absorbed through the skin”? Maybe it can — maybe — but it sure didn’t work for me, and this bar was seven bucks! All it did was leave me clean and sober — and when you’re craving an energy boost, that’s not a good combo.

The Verdict: 2.0 (out of 10)

Dan “The Connoisseur” Amrich

Describe the flavor: Candy canes! Okay, I didn’t taste it, but the peppermint vibe is very strong and quite invigorating. I used Shower Shock for a full week — eight days, actually — as body soap in my morning shower, and every day I exited the shower moist and minty.

“The Jitters”: Um, more like The Tingles. Around day five, a little soap got in places where soap sometimes goes, and, um…it burned. For about 45 minutes after I got out, there was a fire down below.

Focus & alertness: Not enough. I mean, I expected a kick on par with at least a can of soda, but I didn’t feel it. It was intense while I was in the shower but not so much after I left.

Comments from the peanut gallery: “The only way that’s going to work is if you wash your mouth out with it.” — Paul, who seriously doubts the science of absorbing caffeine through the skin. He’s not alone.

Stank breath: Well, despite Paul’s advice, I didn’t wash my mouth out with it.

Packaging sex appeal: Plastic cling wrap with a sticker on it? Sex appeal = none.

How hard did you crash?: Not at all, but that’s because I didn’t perceive a major boost for very long.

Other comments: This one was unusual in more ways than one. Did the soap really work? I don’t know. I felt more awake when actively using it, but nothing noticeable afterward. I could easily attribute that boost to the well-documented invigorating powers of peppermint or the hot water — I mean, that’s what we all do to wake up in the morning, stumble into the shower, right? My experience falls in line with what more scientific tests suggest: Adding caffeine to soap to get a charge seems dubious at best. I think if you want it to work, it works. The bar was gone in a week so just from a financial angle, this was not a good deal.

The Verdict: 3.0 (out of 10)

Missed some of our earlier Energy Quests? You can find our old adventures right here!