“Energy drink” used to mean “coffee.” Now it’s a euphemism for “high-caffeine soft drink brimming with various types of sugars, weird ingredients like taurine and guarana, and occasionally, a few useful vitamins.” Every so often, Dan (the Connoisseur) and Corey (the Junkie) will hold an informal, simultaneous taste-test in their search for the perfect power beverage — it’s their Energy Quest. It’s not scientific, but it is honest. And it might be extreeeeeeeeeeme.

Having guzzled carbonated drinks for months straight, our intrepid reviewers decided to mix it up this week and try something totally different…caffeinated breath spray! Here are their takes on this alternate energy source:

Primer Caffeinated Breath Spray
8ml pump dispenser — $4.99 at thinkgeek.com
www.itsgotime.com

Corey “The Junkie” Cohen

Describe the flavor: Impossibly minty. Mouthful-of-Altoids minty. Each spray is a cold blast of minty wakefulness. MINTY!

“The Jitters”: With what’s likely a normal dose (three sprays, each packing 33mg of caffeine) — none. But after my five-spray special, I did feel a little shaky-quakey.

Focus & alertness: I took two sprays, then a third 10 minutes later. Within a few minutes of that last burst, I felt more alert and a bit refreshed. A half-hour later, I took two more sprays for the hell of it, but that didn’t really boost my buzz past the “nicely, solidly awake” threshold, although it did give me some mild jitters.

Negative impact on co-workers: They were intrigued and appalled, to the point where Gary and Paul just had to try it. Gary thought it was okay, while Paul practically chomped on his hand to banish the taste from his mouth.

Stank breath: Though the initial taste isn’t bad, Primer’s aftertaste is really gross and weirdly bitter, like you’ve been gnawing on roots. It’s like a stinky punch to the throat.

Packaging sex appeal: The transparent tube and street-scrawl logo look super-cheap to me — the complete opposite of sexy. A heftier, solid-colored tube would be way cooler, even if it meant raising the price a notch.

How hard did you crash? No real crash, thankfully.

Other comments: Anyone who’s tried Binaca might consider caffeine spray a nice two-fer — fresh breath AND a wakeup! — but it’s really not. Primer does a decent job of perking you up, but the aftertaste is wicked nasty, and nothing I’d want to experience again, especially when the buzz is nothing special. I’ll stick to coffee and e-drinks, thankyouverymuch.

The Verdict: 3.5 (out of 10)

Dan “The Connoisseur” Amrich

Describe the flavor: Megamint. The peppermint flavor burns. I like Altoids, so I’m not opposed to strong mint, but I didn’t find this enjoyable. It also mellowed into a strange aftertaste — didn't bother me as much as some other people who tried it, but I did want it to go away.

“The Jitters”: With a stunning 33mg of caffeine in each spray — that’s about half a can of Red Bull — I expected them. I was right. Sometimes Corey tells me about heart palpitations (he had them with NOS), but this was the first time I can remember getting a flutter. That’s a lot of caffeine all at once!

Focus & alertness: Amazingly, 20 minutes after my first spray, I yawned. WTF? So I hit it again (the flavor had worn off anyway) and realized I hadn’t primed the pump correctly. This time I got a full shot and…wow. Within a few minutes I was more than alert, I was a little trippy. In a bad way.

Negative impact on co-workers: Corey suggested that someone in the office had to smell our breath in the name of science. The office collectively said “Screw science.”

Stank breath: Um, does mint count?

Packaging sex appeal: Bad graffiti is not sexy. It’s just hard to read. Besides, how many hip-hoppers are known to use breath spray, yo? A sleek sans-serif font and tasteful dark packaging would have helped market this as an executive pick-me-up that can be subtly hidden inside a suit coat and used before a big meeting. I’m not sure who they see as their audience.

How hard did you crash? No worse than normal. They say the crash comes from sugar, but the sugar content in this is minimal. Peppermint flavor is listed before sodium saccharine in the list of ingredients.

Other comments: When Corey found this product, I was skeptical, but it did offer a pick-me-up as advertised — a bit strong in both flavor and impact for my tastes, but undeniably there. I like the liquid refreshment aspect of energy drinks, so this wasn’t as satisfying as most of the products we review here, and I wouldn’t get it again for my own enjoyment. It was fun seeing Paul accidentally spray it on his cheek instead of into his mouth, but I’m sure I can find another product down the road to make him look like an idiot if I keep my eyes out.

The Verdict: 4 (out of 10)