“Energy drink” used to mean “coffee.” Now it’s a euphemism for “high-caffeine soft drink brimming with various types of sugars, weird ingredients like taurine and guarana, and occasionally, a few useful vitamins.” Every so often, Dan (the Connoisseur) and Corey (the Junkie) will hold an informal, simultaneous taste-test in their search for the perfect power beverage — it’s their Energy Quest. It’s not scientific, but it is honest. And it might be extreeeeeeeeeeme./p>

Monster Energy
16-ounce can
www.monsterenergy.com

Dan “The Connoisseur” Amrich

Describe the flavor: Like Rockstar. Almost exactly the same taste, to my palate. Very sweet — I get a distinct “citrus cotton candy” vibe from it. And I expected it to be green like the can logo, but it was amber.

“The Jitters”: Oh yes. I was amped halfway through the can and found myself power-walking between offices.

Focus & alertness: Increased, for sure; my mind began juggling.

Comments from the peanut gallery: More foul co-worker comments about the snifter full of brownish liquid. Ryan suggested it looked like bourbon that someone had peed in a little. He wasn’t wrong.

Stank breath: Oh, yes. Mildly rancid.

Packaging sex appeal: Bold and easily spotted. The “shredded M” logo works perfectly, and Monster was one of the first brands to lay claim to a gloss black can.

How hard did you crash?: When it wore off about two or three hours later, I felt it pretty hard. Instantly droopy.

Other comments: At the end of the day, you can pretty much drink Monster, Red Bull, or Rockstar and not have it really matter. They all taste and look similar (though Monster and Rockstar are sweeter than Red Bull) and offer roughly the same caffeinated kick. It’s a standard, but it’s interchangeable with Rockstar to me. Effective, but not delicious.

VERDICT:  7.5 (out of 10) 

Corey “The Junkie” Cohen

Describe the flavor: Like Red Bull and original Rockstar, Monster is what I consider an old-school or “first-generation” energy drink. It has that super-tart, sugary, acidic, amino taste that energy drinkers learn to live with (and everyone else considers mildly disgusting). I like it better than original Rockstar and less than Red Bull, but it tastes a lot like both of ’em.

“The Jitters”: A little tweakiness and shaky-hands, but nothing that’d keep me from winning a GTA Race. Manageable.

Focus & alertness: Take that, brain! Monster’s 160mg of caffeine (on-par with a 16-ounce Rockstar) definitely kicks my grey matter into high gear. It makes me a twinge spazzy, but also helps me crank through my work and rock Rock Band. It’s good energy.

Comments from the peanut gallery: Fran appreciated the can’s Xbox-y black-and-green color scheme. She recoiled a bit when I offered her a taste, though.

Stank breath: Nasty. I could really do without the taurine tonsils and tarty tastebuds.

Packaging sex appeal: The three-pronged Monster logo and matching green tab are great design touches. Very stylish, standout can.

How hard did you crash?: Mild crash. It didn’t send me straight to bed, but I felt a bit weary when the buzz wore off.

Other comments: Original Monster is a serviceable e-drink, but not one I’d chug on a regular basis — it’s just not tasty enough. For the same solid effect, I can chug a much more palatable Java Monster (a scrumptious coffee-flavored alternative), or other brands like Bawls or Burn. Credit where it’s due, though — this stuff will power you up.

VERDICT:  7.0 (out of 10)