“Energy drink” used to mean “coffee.” Now it’s a euphemism for “high-caffeine soft drink brimming with various types of sugars, weird ingredients like taurine and guarana, and occasionally, a few useful vitamins.” Every so often, Dan (the Connoisseur) and Corey (the Junkie) will hold an informal, simultaneous taste-test in their search for the perfect power beverage — it’s their Energy Quest. It’s not scientific, but it is honest. And it might be extreeeeeeeeeeme.

Product: Java Monster (Mean Bean flavor)
Size: 15-ounce can
URL: www.monsterenergy.com
 

Corey “The Junkie” Cohen 

Describe the flavor: I crave coffee in all its forms (liquid, candy, ice cream, etc.), so this drink is like precious nectar to me. I love the sweet, sugary coffee taste — it’s like someone brewed a slightly creamy mocha drink and poured it into my Monster can. Yum.

Irritability (stomach): Not a bit. 

Irritability (personality): Again, none.

“The Jitters”: Some, but not in the scary, hands-shaking kind of way. Monster drinks just tend to make me a little hyper — after having one, I notice myself talking a bit faster and louder, like someone just fed my Mako some Omni-gel. It’s totally tolerable but definitely noticeable. 

Focus & alertness: I’m definitely more alert and can focus pretty well, even with the slight spazziness. This energy drink works.

Negative impact on co-workers: The coffee-drinkers are intrigued; the coffee-haters have their fingers in a fence grate, like vampires shielding themselves from the sun. 

Stank breath: Less than most energy drinks — barely any, in fact. Just a savory aftertaste.

Packaging sex appeal: On the normal, neon-colored Monster cans, the three-pronged Monster logo (can you say Jurassic Park III?) seems sorta faux-tribal, but I’m a total sucker for the Java Monster can. All that earthy-brown mocha-colored goodness makes me thirsty for java-liciousness. 

How hard did you crash?: I did start to drag once it wore off; thankfully, the come-down wasn’t too debilitating or energy-crushing. I’m still more energized than I was before my 15-ouncer. (Where'd the other ounce go?)

Other comments: If you’re grossed out by tart, citrus-y, amino-reeking energy drinks, the Mean Bean is a perfect substitute, especially for coffee-lovers who love a java taste. If it hadn’t made me jittery and left me a bit tired afterward (unlike, say, Bawls, which tastes great and left me feeling great), I’d have 9.0’d it all the way. As is, though, it’s still terrific.

The Verdict: 8.5 (out of 10)
 

Dan “The Connoisseur” Amrich

Describe the flavor: I don’t drink coffee. I’ve never wanted to, really. I sometimes like coffee ice cream, and this tastes like that, with a similarly sweet aftertaste. It’s got real coffee and reduced fat milk inside, so I shouldn’t have been surprised to find that this tastes so…creamy? Should energy drinks be creamy? Honestly, this is a little disgusting to me, because of what I generally drink. But…yeah, it tastes like coffee.

Irritability (stomach): Hold on…just a little, um, nauesous. This is kind of…hurrrk…BLAAGHARHGHAGHAHHH! 

Irritability (personality): I don’t like throwing up, realllllAAAGHGHGGHMAGH!

“The Jitters”: Oh god…I really need to sit doOWWAGAGHAGHHGAGH! 

Focus & alertness: Okay…I think…it’s passed. Um, I’m awake. I’m sorry to say I’m awake, because I don’t really want to be awake for this. But it did perk me up.

Negative impact on co-workers: Obvious. 

Stank breath: Well, under the circumstances…

Packaging sex appeal: For whatever reason, the can is faux wood grain. What? 

How hard did you crash? I was surprised that…oh…oh god, not agaAAGGAHRHGHAHGHGHBPLAH!

Other comments: BLAAGHARHGHAGHAHHH! 

The Verdict:  3 out of RALGHATHAAAGHK!