“Energy drink” used to mean “coffee.” Now it’s a euphemism for “high-caffeine soft drink brimming with various types of sugars, weird ingredients like taurine and guarana, and occasionally, a few useful vitamins.” Every so often, Dan (the Connoisseur) and Corey (the Junkie) will hold an informal, simultaneous taste-test in their search for the perfect power beverage — it’s their Energy Quest. It’s not scientific, but it is honest. And it might be extreeeeeeeeeeme.


Hogan Energy
16-ounce can
www.sockoenergy.com

 
Dan “The Connoisseur” Amrich

Describe the flavor: Green. I really can’t go any further than what my eyes tell me, because the flavor is…nothing. It’s bright green but it’s not lime. It’s also not orange. It’s not lemon. Thankfully, it’s not coffee. My brain wants it to be melon, but it’s not that either. It’s simply sweet, but it’s got a bit of a diet aftertaste even though it’s not a diet drink (it’s got Splenda in it, though — the sucralose sugar substitute). So to me, it tastes like…sugar-free sugar water.

Irritability (stomach): None worth mentioning.

Irritability (personality): Again, none.

“The Jitters”: Actually gave me a few, which is unusual.

Focus & alertness: Higher than usual. It definitely gave me a boost.

Negative impact on co-workers: Just Corey, because he drank it, too.

Stank breath: Not bad. No sugar and low carbs and no flavor means no breath, either.

Packaging sex appeal: Is there anything more sexy than a cartoon of the Hulkster, holding two aluminum cans? I actually like the bold stripes — the design just says “Wake up, brother!”

How hard did you crash?: The usual. Nothing that sidelined me for the day, but I noticed as I was coming down.

Other comments: The media kit says, “You wouldn’t know it by the taste but Socko is made with Splenda, the Atkins-approved sugar substitute.” Actually, yes, I would. I admit to being motivated by taste when it comes to energy drinks, and this stuff just didn’t have enough — if any — for me.

The Verdict:  5.0 (out of 10)

Corey “The Junkie” Cohen

Describe the flavor: Ack. I feel like the taste should be good, but it's not. It's tart and sour — like a sour-apple soda — and yet strangely, amazingly flat like the worst diet drinks. You could forgive the watered-down flavor in a sugar-free variety, but in the regular stuff? Unacceptable!

Irritability (stomach): My tastebuds are in a tangle, but everything else is just fine.

Irritability (personality): Nothing noticeable.

“The Jitters”: None at all.

Focus & alertness: Now this is more like it. Hogan Energy gives you more of a smooth buzz (like Bawls or 5-Hour Energy) than a drop-kicking "power buzz" (like Burn), so I felt fairly energized for an hour, maybe two, and then it wore off.

Negative impact on co-workers: This drink's not running wild on them — they're indifferent. Well, except for Dan, who looks like he wants to give his can the Big Boot.

Stank breath: Nothing glaring...just a little sour.

Packaging sex appeal: As a one-time (well, okay, forever-time) Hulkamaniac, I'm a sucker for the image of the Hulkster sporting his classic red-and-yellow colors. And with its spirally stripes and urban-y logo, the label definitely gets your attention.

How hard did you crash?: No crash...which is sort of ironic, given the wrestling tie-in.

Other comments: Though I'm a little weirded out by the listing of Horny Goat Weed Extract in the ingredients (does that make you a real American?), this stuff is a pretty solid energy-booster. I just wish the taste wasn't so dulled and flat (or, as Dan described, Splenda-licious) — that's a huge deal-breaker. If Hogan Energy was sour-appley and sweet, I'd be much more inclined to drink it.

The Verdict: 5.5 (out of 10)