“Energy drink” used to mean “coffee.” Now it’s a euphemism for “high-caffeine soft drink brimming with various types of sugars, weird ingredients like taurine and guarana, and occasionally, a few useful vitamins.” Every so often, Dan (the Connoisseur) and Corey (the Junkie) will hold an informal, simultaneous taste-test in their search for the perfect power beverage — it’s their Energy Quest. It’s not scientific, but it is honest. And it might be extreeeeeeeeeeme.

Due to the highly feminine nature of today's review, the part of Corey Cohen will be played by Francesca Reyes, Editor-in-Chief of Official Xbox Magazine.

Go Girl

12-ounce can
www.gogirlenergy.com

Dan “The Connoisseur” Amrich

Describe the flavor: I see what a friend meant when she described it as “ShockTarts and battery acid.” It’s super sweet – just like girls, tee hee! – yet it has no sugar, which leads to a nasty aftertaste…except the aftertaste kicks in somewhere in the middle. Every gulp was forced down and I couldn’t get rid of the taste for a good hour.

“The Jitters”: None to speak of.

Focus & alertness: The caffeine and taurine did give me a kick. The boost ingredients are effective.

Negative impact on co-workers: Are you kidding? I didn’t show them what I was drinking.

Stank breath: High. It’s almost red alert levels, but it’s a little lighter, so it’s kind of a pink alert.

Packaging sex appeal: It’s pink – just like girls, tee hee!

How hard did you crash? Didn’t get so high that I crashed.

Other comments: One of Go Girl’s special ingredients is Super Citrimax — “Extracted from the South American garcinia cambogia, it contains standardized levels of hydroxycitric acid (HCA), which has been clinically shown to suppress appetite and inhibit fat production.” So you’re not only getting wired, you’re getting skinny — just like girls should be, tee hee! So it plays into the negative body image that so many women suffer from, plus it tastes like ass? That makes this drink disgusting on every level.

The Verdict: 2.0 (out of 10) 

Francesca “The Token Female” Reyes

Describe the flavor: Figuratively, it’s like downing a can of liquefied happy-girly-eyed-measle-y Unicorn Planet in committee-approved, target-marketed form. Realistically? It’s like downing a can of fruity (if “fruit” actually tasted like boxed kids cereal with marshmallows in it and not the real stuff that grows on trees or plants) blood-colored diet soda. I don’t know what taurine or Go Girl’s patented “Super Citrimax” tastes like, but I’m guessing it all smacks a hell of a lot like everyone’s favorite sugar substitute, aspartame. It’s sugar-free Jolly Rancher-iffic. And that’s really not a good thing for anyone over the physical age of, say, 10. (Though, the can does warn that this drink is not for children, of course.)

“The Jitters”: I don’t drink energy drinks, ever, but I’m no stranger to caffeine or sugar – preferably together in a nice, yummy carbonated fountain concoction. No real jitters, but more of just a very subtle kind of heart palpitation and general spaciness. And if you have to ask – there’s no good way to PR-spin heart palpitations, really. It also kinda gave me a headache. Eek.

Oh yeah, and it has that Super Citrimax stuff in it, which is described as “a mild herbal appetite suppressant.” I can’t help feeling like I’m unwittingly playing a role in some very important afterschool TV special about the dangers of diet pills by drinking this.

Focus & alertness: A big giant MEH. We playtested the Boston Rock Band track pack shortly after I had to drink it and it didn’t somehow power me to super-human, Brad Delp–level falsetto powers any less or more than before. But then again, I’ll need more than Go Girl’s 150mg of caffeine to get me there. I need a pact with Satan.

Negative impact on co-workers: None, really. They simply wondered how I got suckered into doing this Energy Quest. I told them I was merely “reprezentin’” for my lady peeps.

Stank breath: Um, can I really be the judge of this? I would say that it did leave me with a fuzzy teeth feeling that I promptly had to go and fight with a toothbrush and toothpaste. I certainly can’t imagine it making me smell like roses and rainbows – hence, toothbrushing.

Packaging sex appeal: Never really understood the whole “PINK + PHRASES LIKE ‘BEAUTIFUL ENERGY’ = YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELF AND THE ENTIRE FEMALE POPULATION TO DO YOUR PART AND SUPPORT SOME CORPORATION’S DIVISIVE GENDER MARKETING.” But when it all comes down to it, the “shades of pink” labeling and loads of tiny little text in all sorts of unexpected places is actually – dare I say it? – eye-catching? Well, at least it doesn’t look like the energy drink–equivalent of a tribal-tattooed Dan Cortese mountain biking down Mount Everest at 100 mph slamming a freakin’ Dew like pretty much every other offering on the market. Is that a good thing? I’m not going to make that call.

How hard did you crash? Not really at all. But I didn’t notice much of a real “high” either. Though I did welcome the stopping of heart palpitations. A good thing that.

Other comments: Who is this marketed at, really? I mean, if the central targets for energy drinks are either normal guys who sidestep coffee for a more direct buzz to keep them going or dudes who say “bro” and wear striped shirts with their khakis to corporate bars while looking for a different type of buzz with their metro-style, vodka-infused dude cocktails, then who drinks Go Girl? I can’t really picture the pink-loving female is the type to pick up a Go Girl “Girlfriends” 6-pack at the supermarket, then chug it when she needs a pick me up. Not when chai lattes and coffee drinks are infinitely more delicious and available in low-cal and non-fat forms.

Looking at Go Girl’s descriptors on the can, it can be learned that women are comprised of the following likes, dislikes, and concerns:

- We like our energy to be “beautiful” 
- We love pink in a way that can only be described as fanatical 
- Appetites are only good when they’re suppressed 
- Sugar makes us feel Catholic church–levels of guilt 
- We buy things with pink ribbons on them as a knee-jerk reaction (of course, in absolute seriousness, breast cancer research is entirely noble and absolutely necessary, but its inclusion on the can still feels a bit marketing-driven)

The Verdict: Paris Hilton (out of 10)