“Energy drink” used to mean “coffee.” Now it’s a euphemism for “high-caffeine soft drink brimming with various types of sugars, weird ingredients like taurine and guarana, and occasionally, a few useful vitamins.” Every so often, Dan (the Connoisseur) and Corey (the Junkie) will hold an informal, simultaneous taste-test in their search for the perfect power beverage — it’s their Energy Quest. It’s not scientific, but it is honest. And it might be extreeeeeeeeeeme.

Cocaine
8.4-ounce can
www.drinkcocaine.com

Dan “The Connoisseur” Amrich

Describe the flavor: Fire. And a hint of cherry. (Yes — it’s “cherry coke.” Ha.) But mostly, it tastes like burning. The back of your throat will sting when you drink this, and that’s by design. It’s supposed to simulate taking the real stuff.

“The Jitters”: That word doesn’t do this justice. I wasn’t all the way through the can — which I was sipping, for what it’s worth, partly out of fear — when I felt muscles start to tense up. Is it because the caffeine was drying me up, or was it psychosomatic because I knew I was drinking what felt like nitroglycerine? In any case, yes, it made me FREAK OUT.

Focus & alertness: Higher than normal but so was the distraction factor. I felt like I couldn’t concentrate because I was just so amped.

Comments from the peanut gallery: Several members of the GamesRadar editorial team sniffed it and gagged. They didn’t even taste it.

Stank breath: Taurine is high in the ingredients list, and that’s one of the amino acids that contributes to the nasty breath associated with energy drinks. So…yeah, I had some.

Packaging sex appeal: They’re playing off two jokes here: One, white text on a red can is a Coca-Cola parody. Two, the Cocaine logo looks like it’s spelled out in white powder. You wouldn’t mistake it for Coca-Cola, but you do get the Coke joke right away. And the product’s name is so big and bold, you can’t help but do a double-take. It surely inspires outrage at first sight.

How hard did you crash?: Like John Belushi.

Other comments: It burns. It really does burn the back of your throat, unless you find the alternate version called (I am not kidding) Cut Cocaine. It’s a shocking feeling, but the whole concept of this product is to shock…so on that level, it succeeds. But since it feels like a liquid Altoid, it’s hard to drink…so on that level, it fails. Cocaine is fun to try once, but don’t make it a habit.

The Verdict: 6.0 (out of 10) 

Corey “The Junkie” Cohen

Describe the flavor: Acid, with a hint of fruitiness and sugar. I’ve never tasted anything like it, and thank Every Higher Power in All Known Universes and Dimensions for that. I think I even detect some bile in there — but that’s probably coming from…me. Okay, seriously — this stuff is repulsive, in an obnoxious, over-the-top way.

Burning: Hell yes! I had to add a special category in here, just for the fiery befoulment at work. When I put the can to my mouth to take a sip, I actually felt a blazing sensation in my nostrils, like I was sniffing something toxic. That’s a wrong darker than death or night.

“The Jitters”: Huge. I had to sip this drink slowly because I felt queasy/jittery after a couple of swallows. And I usually chug e-drinks (especially the better-tasting ones).

Focus & alertness: Ugh. I was way more productive this morning when I was pretty tired. After drinking Cocaine, I was WAY TOO WIRED, making it hard to concentrate for a good half-hour or so.

Comments from the peanut gallery: I had to go straight to OXM’s editors-in-chief for the weigh-in on this 10-ton megabomb. Ex-EIC Rob Smith said it “smells like pure sugar”; current EIC Fran was a little unnerved by how much I dreaded it.

Stank breath: Stankometer-breaking. I feel like I’m a dragon breathing fire.

Packaging sex appeal: I’ll give it to ’em — the can is sensational. There’s no missing the snowy “Cocaine” logo, and the back of the can has an absolutely brilliant Energy Level meter with three-and-a-half bull heads (shown at right), proudly trumpeting that Cocaine’s 280mg of caffeine is equal to three-and-a-half 8-ounce Red Bulls.

How hard did you crash?: Not nearly as bad as I’d feared. The buzz lasted for hours — from afternoon through evening — and when it finally wore off late at night, I went to bed.

Other comments: Cocaine is the only energy drink I’ve been scared to drink — I knew from those nifty three-and-a-half bulls that it’d be overkill, and it is. There’s just too much caffeine here: it SLAMS you awake, leaving you stunned from the impact, rather than refreshingly fired-up. And it tastes disgusting! I totally get what its makers are trying to do here, with the purposeful “cocaine burn” and the “We dare you to drink it!” novelty value of excess caffeine, but consuming it makes you feel like you’re starring in your own extra-lame episode of Jackass.

The Verdict: 3.0 (out of 10)