“Energy drink” used to mean “coffee.” Now it’s a euphemism for “high-caffeine soft drink brimming with various types of sugars, weird ingredients like taurine and guarana, and occasionally, a few useful vitamins.” Every so often, Dan (the Connoisseur) and Corey (the Junkie) will hold an informal, simultaneous taste-test in their search for the perfect power beverage — it’s their Energy Quest. It’s not scientific, but it is honest. And it might be extreeeeeeeeeeme.

Jolt Endurance Shot
2-ounce bottle
www.joltenergy.com

Corey “The Junkie” Cohen

Describe the flavor: Smells and tastes like Welch’s grape juice — SUPER-GRAPE! — with a lil’ chemical flavor, which is probably the B vitamins and taurine. Those additives make it vaguely similar to 5-Hour Energy (Berry flavor), and both are sweetened with Sucralose; 5-Hour Berry just tastes a little more sugary and a little more berry.

“The Jitters”: Nope. Just a smoooooooth buzz once it kicked in.

Focus & alertness: Pretty good — though, weirdly, it took me around 30 minutes before I started feeling the steady, stronger-than-expected caffeine boost. (To be fair, I was really sleep-deprived when I drank my Endurance Shot — the night before, I’d been up stupid-late toppling buildings in The Incredible Hulk.) Once the Jolt hit me, though, I was riding strong for a good couple of hours.

Comments from the peanut gallery: Ryan just looked at it and gave a slow, sad smile. One of these, we’ll teach him the Way of the Energy Drink.

Stank breath: A little fruity, but not that bad.

Packaging sex appeal: I still love the Jolt logo, but this bottle seems a little understated — a lot less cool than the hot-damn “battery” can for Jolt Energy Cola. Smaller size shouldn’t mean smaller impact.

How hard did you crash?: When the shot wore off, the Corey Express just slowed down a bit, without losing much speed or smashing into anything.

Other comments: Once it worked its magic, the Endurance Shot was a great alternative to a full-fledged energy drink — its 150mg of caffeine gave me just the nudge I needed, without being overpowering or underpowered. I liked it a little less than 5-Hour Energy — somehow, it didn’t lift me quite as high — but it’s good stuff nonetheless.

The Verdict: 8.0 (out of 10)

Dan “The Connoisseur” Amrich

Describe the flavor: Grape with melted plastic. Well, that’s the smell, anyway, but the flavor was grape syrup with a bit of that medicinal taste that is inherent with energy shots, as opposed to fruity energy drinks. No points off for that, but remember: this is not a beverage, this is science.

“The Jitters”: Not quite that bad, but I was definitely aware that I was more up. But no, this was more of a sustained alertness and not a crazy spike.

Focus & alertness: The nice thing about shots is they work on me more or less immediately. Within 10 minutes I was up and humming, well above normal. And I took a surprisingly long time to come down.

Comments from the peanut gallery: The other nice thing about shots is you can drink them quickly and destroy the evidence so your co-workers never get the chance to make snide remarks about your addicti…I mean, beverage-based lifestyle.

Stank breath: Oh yes. This shot smelled as good as it tasted. Ginseng, taurine, caffeine, and guarana with B6 and B12 leaves a lot in your mouth to be desired.

Packaging sex appeal: That enormous new Jolt logo really earns its keep, especially on a small package like this. Lightning bolts mean POWER, plain and simple. And the brushed steel texture means manliness, I suppose.

How hard did you crash?: The yet other nice thing about shots is that you generally don’t crash. I came down normally, thanks to a total lack of sugar in this.

Other comments: Most people never pour out these tiny shots, but we were amazed/horrified to find that it was brown — you’d think it was cola on sight. I didn’t feel as much of a sustained energy level as I do with 5-Hour Energy, which is what I usually reach for when it comes to shots. But it definitely works, and I’d use it again.

The Verdict: 8.5 (out of 10)