“Energy drink” used to mean “coffee.” Now it’s a euphemism for “high-caffeine soft drink brimming with various types of sugars, weird ingredients like taurine and guarana, and occasionally, a few useful vitamins.” Every so often, Dan (the Connoisseur) and Corey (the Junkie) will hold an informal, simultaneous taste-test in their search for the perfect power beverage — it’s their Energy Quest. It’s not scientific, but it is honest. And it might be extreeeeeeeeeeme.

Brawndo: The Thirst Mutilator
16-ounce can
www.drinkbrawndo.com

Dan “The Connoisseur” Amrich

Describe the flavor: By day, mild-mannered Lemon Lime goes about his daily business, but when danger calls, he transforms into MEGATART! I actually like the kick-in-the-mouth shot of citrus, but it quickly transforms into a sugar-free-style aftertaste that lingers. Something in this formula is killing the sweet aftertaste that other soft drinks enjoy, and that’s a shame.

Irritability (stomach): Just a little.

Irritability (personality): Little bit of a headache, which I think was connected.

“The Jitters”: Yes.

Focus & alertness: Up! Up! Up! Definitely gave me the energy drink kick I seek. I played “Green Grass and High Tides” on Expert and failed out only twice — that’s a good sign.

Negative impact on co-workers: Mostly visual. When I poured it into the snifter, everybody else freaked out. There’s green, then there’s nuclear green, and this was a few shades more intense than that.

Stank breath: A teeny bit.

Packaging sex appeal: “The Thirst Mutilator.” “It’s got electrolytes.” “It’s got what plants crave.” Seeing the movie catchphrases on a real product was all the sex appeal I needed. Plus, it’s bright yellow. Like the sun! Relentlessly positive!

How hard did you crash?: Amazingly, I didn’t. I really expected to, but I didn’t.

Other comments: I want to like Brawndo. I certainly love the idea of Brawndo — products that go from fictional worlds to the real one really make me smile, and as a fan of Mike Judge’s cult film Idiocracy, I couldn’t believe it when this was confirmed not to be a joke. Finding out it contains inositol — a member of the B-vitamin family, sometimes used in treating phyciatric disorders — just gave Brawndo some more mystery.

It’s worth noting that this is bottled by Redux Beverages, the folks behind the controversial Cocaine energy drink, so they’re not afraid to go unconventional, and I respect that. I’d drink Brawndo again, if only for the geek street cred (several friends over at GamesRadar really, really love this stuff), and a few cans in, I’m getting used to the taste — but should I have to? I just wish I craved Brawndo more as a drink and not just a pop-culture touchstone.

The Verdict: 6.5 (out of 10)

Corey “The Junkie” Cohen

Describe the flavor: Impossibly sour and kinda sweet — as if, when you turned away (to reach for a chaser…any chaser), a little kid squeezed some lemon and poured a little extra sugar in your energy drink. The first time I drank it, I thought it was gross; by the third time, I was getting used to it…but should you really have to train yourself to enjoy an energy drink?

Irritability (stomach): Brawndo didn’t kill my stomach the way it kills plants (in Idiocracy), but its tartness doesn’t sit super-well, either.

Irritability (personality): No GRRRs, no crabbiness, no drain in the membrane.

“The Jitters”: Nope, thank goodness. If I had the shakes, I might use them as an excuse to spill some of my drink.

Focus & alertness: Brawndo does you right in this regard — I feel more “fired-up, ready to go” after sipping it, without that too-awake feeling.

Negative impact on co-workers: Quite the opposite — I think the tie-in to a Mike Judge film gives Brawndo pop-culture cachet. Even the energy-drink naysayers are intrigued by it.

Stank breath: A distinct absence of stank. Just seems like I ate some Smarties.

Packaging sex appeal: Have to admit, the can is awesome. It has a retro, Gatorade-style “Power!” feel — all part of the movie parody — and it even appeals to body chemistry with an “It’s Got Electrolytes!” message. Some staffers at our sister pub, PC Gamer, have cans of Brawndo on their desk purely for its looks.

How hard did you crash?: My tank felt a bit low as the effects wore off, but nothing bad — I wouldn’t call it a crash by any means.

Other comments: Plants crave Brawndo? They can have it. I feel guilty saying that because I appreciate the whole clever/cool aspect of it, and I’m a huge Mike Judge fan…but this drink is just not tasty. It really does remind me of a kid’s chemistry experiment — a little extra sugar here, a little more sour there! — and its slimy green color makes you think of something like this. It gets points for being a good kick-in-the-pants energy-wise, but that’s about it.

The Verdict: 4.0 (out of 10)