“Energy drink” used to mean “coffee.” Now it’s a euphemism for “high-caffeine soft drink brimming with various types of sugars, lots of caffeine, weird ingredients like taurine and guarana, and occasionally, a few useful vitamins.” Every so often, Dan (the Connoisseur) and Corey (the Junkie) will hold an informal, simultaneous taste-test in their search for the perfect power beverage — it's their Energy Quest. It's not scientific, but it is honest. And it might be extreeeeeeeeeeme.

Bawls — Original flavor
10-ounce bottle
www.bawls.com

Corey “The Junkie” Cohen

Describe the flavor: Really good and really mellow. Bawls tastes like a 7-Up or Sprite with a little extra sugary sweetness…it’s like a Sprite-with-benefits. It’s one of the few energy drinks I’d drink for the taste alone — and it’s the only energy drink I’d call “refreshing.”

Irritability (stomach): None I can detect.

Irritability (personality): Again, none. If anything, Bawls perks me up and makes me more cheerful.

“The Jitters”: No more than what you’d get from a cup of coffee — which, if you drink caffeinated drinks even semi-regularly, means none.

Focus & alertness: I feel more of both. Since Bawls has a modest amount of caffeine — closer to coffee and less than Monster, Rockstar, et al. — you feel a wave of wakefulness gently wash over you, with no nervous, spazzy energy accompanying it.

Stank breath: Bawls breath is nothing to fear: it’s as un-stanky as an energy drink could be.

Negative impact on co-workers: Actually, I think they like Bawls Corey better than regular Corey. And when I drink it, my more gutter-minded colleagues relish the excuse to make the obvious first-grade jokes.

Packaging sex appeal: Canned Bawls (found mostly at Target) is nothing special, but the blue-bottle Bawls (shown above) is cool and distinctive. The little bumps on the bottom half of the bottle are a nice touch. Bawls says they’re there so the bottle doesn’t slip out of your hand when it’s wet; I think they make it rugged and manly.

How hard did you crash?: You don’t crash with Bawls — when it wears off, you just feel like your same old self. And then you reach for another one. 

Other comments: You want to hate Bawls for its stupid, “edgy” name, but you just can’t. With its modest caffeine count and exceptional taste, it’s one of the few energy drinks that truly fulfills both parts of the equation — energy and drink. I wish it were available at more vendors (CompUSA, Costco, and Target are good sources), but it’s definitely worth tracking down.

Dan “The Connoisseur” Amrich

Describe the flavor: Lightly tropical; I get a hint of pineapple from it. Pretty understated compared to the competition — many energy drinks smack you in the mouth with strong sour or tart citrus flavors. Bawls is more subtle and mellow, not oversweet. Very pleasant. Sippable, yet chuggable.

Irritability (stomach): This goes down smooth and stays that way. 

Irritability (personality): None. Really.

“The Jitters”: None. Really.

Focus & alertness: Sustained and even.

Stank breath: A bit of an aftertaste that might leak out, but people won’t detect it from across the room.

Negative impact on co-workers: They can’t even tell I’m juicing.

Packaging sex appeal: Blue is my favorite color, and the bumpy cobalt bottle just makes it cool and tactile. Nothing else looks like Bawls. The cans try to approximate the little bumps with silver circles, but it's all visual. Snobs drink from bottles. I'm a snob.

How hard did you crash?: Not bad at all. The caffeine count is not sky-high here; it’s somewhere between Mountain Dew and Red Bull. You don’t go as high, but you don’t fall as far, either. This is why gamers like it — you can drink bottle after bottle and sort of stay at the same level, without a monster crash at the end.

Other comments: When I first heard of Bawls several years ago, I was a little offended and a little amused by the name (the ad campaign featured a funny, jaunty theme song telling me to “Go out and buy some Bawls”), but once I tried the actual product, I was hooked. Definitely one of my favorites.

The Verdict: 9.5 (out of 10)