“Energy drink” used to mean “coffee.” Now it’s a euphemism for “high-caffeine soft drink brimming with various types of sugars, weird ingredients like taurine and guarana, and occasionally, a few useful vitamins.” Every so often, Dan (the Connoisseur) and Corey (the Junkie) will hold an informal, simultaneous taste-test in their search for the perfect power beverage — it’s their Energy Quest. It’s not scientific, but it is honest. And it might be extreeeeeeeeeeme.

Bawls (G33k B33r)
10-ounce bottle
http://www.bawls.com/g33kb33r.html

 
Dan “The Connoisseur” Amrich


Describe the flavor: Well, it’s root beer! I’m one of those people who likes a root beer, like, once a year. Maybe that’s why this seems so refreshing. It’s certainly not what I expect from most energy drinks, but the flavor starts out sharp then mellows into a slight creaminess — but it doesn’t turn as smooth as other root beers. It reminded me of Sioux City Sarsaparilla.

“The Jitters”: Not applicable. Bawls does not give me the jitters; it’s a boost without being a blast.

Focus & alertness: Raised, and fairly fast. I felt a charge after about half a bottle.

Negative impact on co-workers: None. In fact, Ryan, as a root-beer fan, took interest even though he usually has no need or desire for energy drinks, and Juliann liked the bottle’s design and aesthetic. And she’s trying to get us to quit energy drinks cold turkey, so for her to even acknowledge its presence…that’s something.

Stank breath: None. Root-beer breath, yes.

Packaging sex appeal: You really can’t make a root beer and not make the bottle brown. Brown? Not sexy. See also: Zune. But it does come in the traditional bumpy Bawls bottle, so there’s still some surprise and delight when you pick it up.

How hard did you crash?: It’s Bawls. This is a no-crash zone. The pick-me-up was noticeable but not shocking, either on the way up or on the way down.

Other comments: How can you not love a beverage that puts caffeine where it never has naturally been, or maybe even should be? Anybody brave enough to make their Es into 3s and get away with it deserves credit — normally that pandering would infuriate me, but for some reason, this doesn’t feel like a shallow marketing ploy so much as signifying that you’re part of the audience. Refreshing in every possible way.

The Verdict:  9.5 (out of 10)

Corey “The Junkie” Cohen

Describe the flavor: Impossibly good. Regular Bawls has a great citrus-y taste, but G33k B33r is even better. It’s got a delicious root-beer flavor with just a hint of fruitiness to it.

“The Jitters”: Zero. Just how I like it.

Focus & alertness: Like regular Bawls, this stuff packs a perfect punch: it’s strong enough that you feel awake and refreshed for a couple of hours, and then it gradually fades away without dragging you down.

Negative impact on co-workers: Actually, root-beer lovers were intrigued by it.

Stank breath: The opposite — a sweet aftertaste I hoped would last all day. I kept smacking my lips the way you blow on a dying match!

Packaging sex appeal: Same nifty, nubby bottle as regular Bawls, but in a muddy brown color that’d pretty boring compared to the beautiful blue we’re used to.

How hard did you crash?: I didn’t. You never do with Bawls. Genius.

Other comments: Regular Bawls was my favorite e-drink — until I tried the new G33k B33r variety. Now this root-beer flavor is my go-to caffeine source. (“Dan, do we have any more?!?”) It tastes awesome; it gives you the same just-right buzz as regular Bawls (not too strong, not too weak — go, guarana!); and it comes in an easy-grip bottle. I never thought someone would make a root-beer energy drink, let alone one this tasty. If you like Mug, Barq’s, or even premium root beers, this stuff is an awesome alternative.

The Verdict:  9.5 (out of 10)