“Energy drink” used to mean “coffee.” Now it’s a euphemism for “high-caffeine soft drink brimming with various types of sugars, weird ingredients like taurine and guarana, and occasionally, a few useful vitamins.” Every so often, Dan (the Connoisseur) and Corey (the Junkie) will hold an informal, simultaneous taste-test in their search for the perfect power beverage — it's their Energy Quest. It's not scientific, but it is honest. And it might be extreeeeeeeeeeme.


5-Hour Energy (Berry)
2-ounce bottle
5hourenergy.com

Dan “The Connoisseur” Amrich

Describe the flavor: You don’t drink 5-Hour Energy for the taste. You drink it because of what it does — it's practically medicinal. It’s a liquid vitamin shot with some flavor syrup inside, and unfortunately, you can really taste the B-12 (5-Hour Energy provides 8,333% of your recommended daily amount). Most people hate this on first gulp. I did. But then I realized, there was much more to it than the taste…

Irritability (stomach): None.

Irritability (personality): Really none. It wakes me up but doesn’t make me spike into a spaz.

“The Jitters”: None. It’s sustained, not tweaky.

Focus & alertness: This is where 5-Hour Energy rules.

Negative impact on co-workers: None, other than the calls of “Eeew, how can you drink that?”

Stank breath: Those amino acids come out in force.

Packaging sex appeal: Almost none. The little red bottle is distinctive, but it’s the Oompa Loompa of energy drinks.

How hard did you crash? That’s the most amazing thing about 5-Hour Energy — there’s no crash. For real. The caffeine content isn’t insanely high and it’s sugar-free.

Other comments: This is my secret weapon during gigs with my band — we play three or four hours of music most nights, and we get to lug our gear in and out of the venue, too. I take one of these about 15 minutes before showtime and I’m good until the end of loadout. When I get home, I fall asleep naturally. Now I won’t do a show without it. Only the unsavory taste keeps this drink from a perfect score.

The Verdict: 9.5 (out of 10)

Corey “The Junkie” Cohen

Describe the flavor: Well, there’s a reason they didn’t call it “5-Hour Yummy.” It tastes (and kinda looks) like someone took one of those little cans of blowable bubbles and tried to season it with some Flintstones vitamins. It’s tolerable, but the word “flavor” is probably too generous. Aack.

Irritability (stomach): None. Given what I said above, that kind of surprised me.

Irritability (personality): I’m a little irritated by how gross it tastes, but that’s it — no energy grumps.

“The Jitters”: I officially deem this drink Jitter-Free. And in the half-dozen times I’ve had it, I’ve never experienced the “Niacin Flush (hot feeling, skin redness)” that the label notes as a possible side effect. High marks here.

Focus & alertness: Energy-wise, 5-Hour’s a star. About 10 minutes after chugging it, I begin to slowly feel more awake and attentive. It’s about as strong as a cup of coffee, but the way it jump-starts you is even more mild and subtle. I dig that.

Negative impact on co-workers: None, although they seem baffled by 5-Hour’s tiny form factor — it’s so much smaller than any other energy drink or soda that they’re immediately suspicious of it.

Stank breath: Modest. The aftertaste is nothing to smile about, but it’s more mellow than reeky. Nothing a piece of gum can’t handle.

Packaging sex appeal: The label reminds me of a Clif Bar wrapper: it projects “healthy athlete,” not “rompin’-stompin’ badass.” Totally utilitarian but cool — it takes the same no-frills approach as the drink itself.

How hard did you crash?: I’ve never crashed with 5-Hour Energy, which is a huge compliment. Like Bawls, it gives you a little boost and then just gradually wears off, without leaving you tired or drained.

Other comments: Dan nailed it when he called this guy “medicinal.” You don’t drink 5-Hour Energy because you’re thirsty; you drink it for a little extra kick with no bruise afterward. I wish it didn’t taste so horrid, but it’s such a great picker-upper that I love it, faults and all. My advice: Just slam it like it’s a shot of the world’s worst hard alcohol, and then relax and enjoy the energy.

The Verdict: 8.5 (out of 10)