Duke Nukem Forever is a once-in-a-lifetime title that really deserves two reviews: one for gamers like us who've been following the entire sordid saga for the last 13 years, and another for everyone else — folks who care only that Forever is the latest big-name first-person shooter to hit consoles.

That's unrealistic, but no matter which camp you fall into, know this: Forever is not a great game, whether you compare it to the late-'90s shooters it was originally supposed to compete with or its 2011 contemporaries.

And though we do our best to never let personal feelings affect our review process, it's difficult to avoid in this case. As Duke Nukem 3D fans, we've waited eons to play its aptly titled sequel. We were sad when original developer 3D Realms closed and the project seemed all but dead, and when Forever miraculously returned, we wanted it to be good. We rooted for it, even in the face of its much-ballyhooed accusations of sexism (frankly, we ended up finding it to be more...flaccid than anything else). We didn't expect its turbulent development history to birth the Best Game Ever, but we hoped the game would be old-school throwback fun — a laugh-out-loud, tongue-in-cheek counterpoint to an age of shooters starring dark, brooding anti-heroes. From what we saw for our cover-story preview, we thought the game might be exactly that, but unfortunately, Forever fails on this level, too.

Its biggest problem is that it's eerily lifeless. For a game that's supposed to be brash and over-the-top, the entire first hour of the campaign is spent silently wandering around, poking through the environment. While popping popcorn in the microwave, throwing feces around a bathroom, and lifting weights are all momentary non-sequiturs that give the Nukem series character, here they're the only characters (and even the number of interactive elements peters out as the game wears on). Forever almost never has any music, and Duke himself speaks very little over the course of the 12-hour-or-so alien battle across Las Vegas. NPCs occasionally talk to Duke, but it's always a monologue, and only one line — Duke saying, "Well...this is gonna f*** up my hair" before he dives underwater — made us laugh.

Duke's other major issue is its level design. It's frustratingly terrible, with asinine puzzles involving counterweights and layouts that often had us wandering around, confused about where to go next. The platforming areas in the shrunken-Duke levels are hugely irritating, too. Variety isn't a problem at least, with plenty of interesting boss fights and a large assortment of locales, ranging from a strip club to an underwater section. Even this diversity, though, is marred by frequent level-loads that often last 30 seconds (yes, we timed them) — and that's with the game installed. Try not to die.

Your weapons are easily the game's best feature, with most of the arsenal returning from Duke 3D. The shotgun in particular gives a satisfying oomph that severs enemy limbs, while the pipebombs remain a sadistic delight. Each is useful in the game's old-school multiplayer modes, which offer the usual assortment of deathmatch, capture the flag, and so on. The online play lacks the bells and whistles of Halo or Call of Duty, but the battles for control of the power weapons made us wax nostalgic in a way the campaign never did.

After 13 years, Duke Forever is ultimately and thoroughly mediocre, with heavy bouts of boredom and frustration mixed in. And yet, for anyone with an appreciation for videogame history, we absolutely recommend giving it a playthrough. It's not a train wreck, but it does serve as a peek behind the Wizard of Oz's curtain to reveal just how flawed and human he really is.

On Xbox 360

+ A once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to play a living piece of videogame history.

- Confusing level design; crappy platforming; lifeless game world.

- Unforgiveable 30-second load times.

? Where to from here, Duke? Where to from here?

5.5