Some hostiles can be hit only by swiveling your chopper to face the foreground.

Choplifter is a prime example of ’80s gaming simplicity: hop in a chopper, blast your enemies, and airlift defenseless huddles of humanity to the safety of your helipad. So what could possibly go wrong with a contemporary high-def remake? Apparently, quite a bit.

Choplifter HD boasts a moderately attractive modern makeover, and sends you whirling from dense green jungles to sandy deserts. Sometimes you must escape hotspots with pre-boarded survivors, or blast particular ground targets to bits, but most of the time you’re a glorified airborne limousine driver. Plant your mechanical bird near survivors, wait while they mosey aboard with all the urgency of a Congressman, ferry them to safety, and then head back out for more.

Not every mission involves heavily armed warlords or sinking aircraft carriers. Some lands are overrun by crowds of ravenous zombies that explode in squishes of green blood when you shoot them.

Of course, the enemy won’t make it easy. Dudes with rocket launchers, lunatics in jeeps, and armored turrets all want a piece of your hull. Should be fun to perforate them and save the day, right? Unfortunately, dodging enemy fire and rockets is thankless drudgery in these sluggish hovering deathtraps. Often your only real hope is to high-tail it directly through respawning clusters of enemy firepower and pray you make it back to base in time for another laborious round-trip commute.

Such suicidal scrambles might be forgivable if they weren’t the best thing about Choplifter HD. As you grit your teeth through 30 missions, you’ll run into frustration aplenty. Enemy tanks blast you with shells only Lady Luck herself could dodge, but you can’t target them until they’ve lazily trundled out of the background. Not much later, you’ll rage against snipers who can temporarily disable your ride with EMP rifles, and anti-aircraft guns that somehow manage to fill the air with flak for several seconds after they’ve been blown to pieces.

If you grew up playing the original, Choplifter HD might carry just enough of a nostalgic payload for you to overlook its aggravating issues for a short while. If you didn’t, you’re really just better off averting your eyes and saving yourself some cash.

PUBLISHER: Konami  •  DEVELOPER: InXile Entertainment  •  ESRB: Teen  •  MULTIPLAYER: None  •  ACHIEVEMENTS: Arduous  •  COST: 1,200 Microsoft Points ($15) [Cost mistakenly listed as 800 Microsoft Points ($10) in OXM's February 2012 issue]

On Xbox Live Arcade

+ Decent location variety; prolonged play unlocks new gunships; hidden bonus objectives.

– Tedious taxi runs across long maps infested with overpowered and respawning opponents.

– Only one mission unlocked at a time; unfunny banter dialogue.

? Why do your bullets sometimes light enemies on fire?

4.5