Energy Quest: Duff

“Energy drink” used to mean “coffee.” Now it’s a euphemism for “high-caffeine soft drink brimming with various types of sugars, weird ingredients like taurine and guarana, and occasionally, a few useful vitamins.” Every so often, Dan (the Connoisseur) and Corey (the Junkie) will hold an informal, simultaneous taste-test in their search for the perfect power beverage — it’s their Energy Quest. It’s not scientific, but it is honest. And it might be extreeeeeeeeeeme./p>

Duff
12-ounce can
http://www.xoxide.com/simpsons-duff-energy-drink.html

Corey “The Junkie” Cohen

Describe the Flavor: It has a lemon/limey, effervescent taste similar to 7-Up, only tarted-up big-time. My first swig made me wince a little, but I got used to it pretty quickly. Decent stuff, but I wouldn’t buy it for the flavor.

“The Jitters”: Not a twinge. Which might be good…

Focus & Alertness: …except I barely felt anything from this drink! Though it supposedly has 120mg of caffeine (on-par with a typical cup of coffee), Duff gave me way less pep and power than an average cup of joe. I even cracked a yawn 10 minutes after chugging a can, and I got a decent night’s sleep last night. That’s sacrilege! Not every e-drink should be a Nos-level facepunch, but you should feel something from it. It should snuff those yawns before they can even think of forming!

Stank breath: None. Maybe my mouth was sterilized by the ingredients in this radioactive-red swill?

Negative impact on co-workers: Thanks to Duff’s impotence, they had to deal with Tired, Cranky Corey, so they’re not pleased. They did admire the can, though.

Packaging sex appeal: Simpsons fans will worship this container like Comic Book Guy worships a rare Mary Worth. It edges out the Jolt can for coolest e-drink packaging — a supreme victory for marketing.

How hard did you crash?: No buzz = no crash!

Other comments: Sadly, Duff flunks the basic requirements of an energy-drink: it gives you little to no energy, and it’s an okay drink at best. Really, there’s only one reason to buy it — for the container, which admittedly kicks all kinds of ass (and single-handedly earns Duff some extra points). Hardcore Simpsons buffs will want a single can as a decorative keepsake, but everyone else should seek out a real e-drink instead.

VERDICT: 4.0 (out of 10) 

Dan “The Connoisseur” Amrich

Describe the flavor: Orange — a little like Mountain Dew Livewire, but not as sweet or kicky. Doesn’t taste like other energy drinks; just tastes like an off-kilter orange soda.

“The Jitters”: None, because…

Focus & alertness: …I didn’t get a noticeable kick from this. Coulda been a regular orange soda with caffeine added. I expect energy drinks to go above and beyond your standard Coca-Cola, but that’s the equivalent rush I got. Nothing major.

Negative impact on co-workers: They were amused by the can, but then they were upset when we didn’t get surly (or queasy, or edgy, or remorseful, or any of the other Duffs).

Stank breath: Just a bit. Nothing like Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel, though.

Packaging sex appeal: Instantly recognizable — a cool trick for a product that exists only in Springfield. This is actually Duff’s strongest selling point, because Simpsons fans will want one to display proudly on their desks.

How hard did you crash?: None. Like the Simpsons seasons themselves, I just kept going.

Other comments: I’m not sure why this is an energy drink; it’s really just orange soda. It’s the color of Blinky the Three-Eyed Fish and it’s fun to actually hold a can of Duff, but if you’re looking for more energy than novelty, this is less “Whoa” and more “D’oh!”

VERDICT: 6.0 (out of 10)