The Scoreboard #9

Army of Two

Listen, we aren’t here for quality videogaming, but Army of Two was a little, well, lackluster. We don’t care about the frustrating team-mate AI, 1337 5p3aK text conversations, racial stereotyping, or the fact that Salem says “bro” every point-five seconds. We just want the Achievements and the game isn’t shy about throwing ’em our way.

Best Achievement – Flip You. Flip You For Real (20 pts.) Kill 50 enemies total using the Melee Attack. Physics might not be a fan of this natural-law-ignoring Achievement, but it’s a blast to walk up to an enemy and karate kick him in the face, launching (and “flipping”) him 20 feet in the air. It’s a bit ridiculous for a third-person shooter that is simultaneously trying to be a serious political thriller and a crazy-go-nuts videogame. We were ignoring the deep political plot (kill all them foreigners!) in favour of taking out baddies with hilarious wrestling moves.

Worst Achievement – My Virtual Buddy (35 pts.) Complete all missions with the Partner AI. When earning this Achievement, you will have played the entirety of Army of Two solo. Alone. By yourself.. This game is built around co-op, so running it with the A.I. buddy is far from an enjoyable time, but hey, this is the best opportunity to unlock the “heal your brain dead buddy 25 times” Achievement. When we tell you you’re playing it alone, we’re serious. Plan ahead: you’ll be doing all of the work while picking up your ally’s slack.

Easiest Achievement – Out of Debt (15 pts.) Heal your partner for the first time. Training does not count. As mentioned, your thick-headed teammate is prone to eating bullets. He’ll be down on his ass within seconds in the first mission. It’s a huge pain in the neck because you’ll do the same pull-him-behind-cover-and-put-on-a-band-aid thing dozens of times as the game progresses, which is incredibly intrusive to the action. Fortunately, it yields more Achievements.

Hardest Achievement – Retirement Savings Plan (40 pts.) Earn one billion dollars in total in ranked matches. We aren’t just gamers around here – we’re also mathematicians! Average players will pull in around two million dollars per ten minute match, with certain maps offering more cash for great online duos. At that rate, it would take five hundred matches to get to the billion-dollar point.  That’s over 80 hours of successful online play.  Pick your online partner, maps, and objectives carefully, and you can probably half that ludicrous devotion time.

Time Investment vs. Payoff – 7 (out of ten) It’ll take some skill, but Army of Two’s single-player campaign can be stripped of about 500 Gamerscore in ten hours. It isn’t particularly long, but repeat plays are mandatory, and after you’ve played a mission once, it isn’t very tough to rock it a second or third time. If you’re playing online, plan on hundreds of hours in matches if you want to earn the Achievement for earning a billion bucks.

Overall - 8 (out of ten) It isn’t going to be winning any awards for being an outstanding game, but if you’re willing to tolerate some of the worst AI of the century – this is the third mention of this. Is it drilled in to your head yet? – and play through the campaign more than once, Army of Two is worth checking out if you need a quick shot of Gamerscore and jingoism.

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