The Scoreboard #9

Welcome back to The Scoreboard, the hippest, most rockin’-est Achievement review column on the Intertron. Okay, that was lame, but we mean business. For the uninitiated: We do this thing once in a while where we talk about and review the only thing that matters in gaming anymore: Achievements. By dissecting them piece by piece, we have a greater appreciation for the money we spend on games versus the Gamerscore earned. This week we’ll be delving in to a duo of discs in the form of Bully: Scholarship Edition and Army of Two, with a double dose of Xbox Live Arcade titles on the side.

As was mentioned in the previous edition of The Scoreboard, April’s Xbox 360 releases are few and far between. On top of that, well, they blow. Until May, there’s only two games coming, one of which is the bound-to-dominate-the-world Grand Theft Auto IV, so before you all decide to hole up in your bedrooms and become total shut-ins as you play the game in to the ground, take a look at the Achieving you should (or shouldn’t) be doing until then!

Bully: Scholarship Edition

From locking lips with the lads and egging cars, all the way to calling someone a “dumbass” 100 times, there’s no shortage of crazy things to do for Gamerscore in Bully: SE. It’s jam-packed with Achievements that, for the most part, you’ll obtain over time. If you’re not in it for the long haul, you might as well not even bother. Bully is here for the hardcore, and completists will be driven to insanity. You’ve been warned.

Best Achievement – WATCH YOUR STEP (20 pts.) Trip 25 people with marbles. In the main area of the school, there is set of stairs begging to be covered in marbles. Planting a bag on the top of the staircase guarantees maximum hysteria as unaware teachers, students and prefects tumble to their hilarious downward doom. Marbles are also a fantastic way to get out of trouble when someone’s hot on your tail – after all, few things are more satisfying than watching half the school eat it while on a manhunt. No pun intended.

Worst Achievement – DUAL NEBULA (20 pts.) Achieve A High Score on Consumo, Nut Shots, and Monkey Fling Arcade Games These arcade games are annoying and some of the least fun you’ll have in a sandbox game ever.  Their half-assed design will only send you in to a blind, bloodlust-filled rage, so if you want to avoid putting your foot through your fancy-pants LCD screen, avoid these 20 points. Stick to Live Arcade if you want mini-games.

Runner Up - SHARP DRESSED MAN (25 pts.) Collect 250 clothing items. ZZ Top, it ain’t. Time consuming, tedious, and pricey: that’s what this is.

Easiest Achievement - IT’S ALL IN THE WRISTS (20 pts.) Complete All 4 of the Carnival Games once. If you’ve got four bucks, you’ve also got 20 more Gamerscore. Simply pay-to-play and complete each dollar mini-game (breaking bottles with the rifle, testing your strength with the mallet, etc.) at the carnival grounds one time and be on your way. You can’t access the carnival right away, but when the gates open, you practically have it.

Hardest Achievement – PERFECTIONIST (125 pts.) 100% completion. It’s far from impossible, and taking all the classes helps to alleviate some location woes early on, but finding every rubber band, smashable gnome, mission, errand, lootable locker and clothing item will take at least 20 hours (probably closer to 30 or 40 for folks who didn’t play through Bully two years ago.) Book the psychiatrist now.

Time Investment vs. Payoff – 5 (out of 10) Outside of the Perfectionist Achievement, most gamers will reap a minimum of 500 points in a single play. Once the Endless Summer is unlocked, you’ve got all the time in the world to run, skate, bike, and prank your way to an inflated Gamerscore victory. The core of the game will take about 15 solid hours, and add another 10-15 for the minutiae.

OVERALL – 8 (OUT OF 10) ON TOP OF BEING THE EARLY RECIPIENT OF 2008’s “BEST USE OF CAPS LOCK” 2008 AWARD, BULLY: SE ALSO HAS SOME REALLY GREAT ACHIEVEMENTS THAT JUST SO HAPPEN TO BE TIED TO AN AWESOME GAME. There are loads of 20- point achievements, so you’ve got plenty of unlockin’ to do. Get to it, achievers! You’ve got a ton of punk bullies to beat down, wedgie, and insult.

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