The Scoreboard #19

Oh, you’re just in time! We’re gonna rock the reviews per usual this week since we have the 360 equivalent of a box of assorted donuts: sweet, delicious Gamerscore in assorted flavors. On the menu this week is Rock Band 2, Baja: Edge of Control, Warhammer: Battle March, Facebreaker, Shred Nebula and a reader review of The Force Unleashed! This is where we’re supposed to come up with a clever food analogy to lead in, but we’re just going to sink our teeth in to the savory succulence of this week’s juicy review offerings.

Rock Band 2

Speaking personally, it’s weird for me to see a sequel to Rock Band. The first game was delayed in shipping to my motherland of Canada until just before Christmas. Even pre-orders couldn’t secure bundles until January or February due to lack of supply. But all is forgiven in the face of RB2’s Achievement list. It’s big, it’s rockin’ and it whoops all sorts of ass – let’s kick out the jams.

Best Achievement: “Platinum Artist” (50 pts.) Finished the Endless Setlist 2 in World Tour on Expert – Many Rock Banders from way back in the day (circa 2007-2008) probably skipped out on the Endless Setlist and haven’t the slightest why there’s a “2” on the end of this one. If you managed to give it a go, there were probably substitutions, absolutely alcohol, and unanimously shin splinters, carpal tunnel, and sore throat for each respective band member. Enduring the entire setlist of Rock Band in a single session (with pauses for pee breaks of course!) was a wild experience that proved you were a rocker worth your salt. Satisfying as hell and an incredible experience, you shouldn’t skip out on at least trying to play every song in one go this time around! PS: Nailing it on Expert nets you the other difficulty Achievements retroactively. Think you’re up for it?

Worst Achievement: “The Bladder of Steel Award” (25 pts.) Completed the Endless Setlist 2 without pausing or failing. – Alright, so this Achievement totally obliterates the whole “Enduring the entire setlist of Rock Band in a single session (with pauses for pee breaks of course!)” comment from earlier. If you’re playing on Expert or hard you’ll need to run like the wind to take a leak or fill up your singer’s water bottle, but dragging it out for four hours on Medium or Easy just to unlock this badge isn’t very rock’n’roll, dudes. If that’s your difficulty of choice, well, that’s fine then. But overall this is a really demanding unlockable that is insanely challenging and frustrating when you consider some of the standout songs on the setlist... More on that in a minute.

Easiest Achievement: “Needs More Umlauts!” (10 pts.) Make a band logo – Whether you’re is Dogs of the A.M.S, Dalmatian Ravioli or something not deemed as “classy,” know that your logo doesn’t need to be cool or in any way significant to your band name. If you want the points just drop in a random sticker or decal of any kind and accept it. Once the Achievement unlocks, you can go back and edit the band’s logo if you care enough to. Frankly a warped, pink wolf is as close to Dalmatian Ravioli as we’re gonna get.

Hardest Achievement: “Platinum Artist” (50 pts.) Finished the Endless Setlist 2 in World Tour on Expert – Endless Setlists are endlessly stellar, despite some hurdles you’ll have to endure along the way. But when you enter a single, certain song, you’ll want to smash your guitar across your drummers sweating, panicking and apologetic face as he fails immediately before you do – and it’s not Green Grass and High Tides. One word: Visions. It’s quite the roadblock and it’s entirely possible that it’ll entirely will you out of existence in the blink of an eye, just because it can. The fact that you could play like four hours straight and be completely squashed by this lone tune is emotionally crippling for you, and physically hazardous to your band. Also, we pray for Guns ‘n Roses ‘Chinese Democracy’ to burn in a raging studio fire – eff that song, man.

Time Investment vs. Payoff: 7 (out of ten) – You get what you put in to it, which is more than you can say about the first Rock Band. You’ll bust your ass less this time around, but for the big score you’d better be ready to take this rhythm title on at the Expert difficulty since that’s where many of the Achievements are locked up. You’ll have to break them free with your sick rock skills. If you’re as good as we are, you’ll get the Gold Star (“full combo” in Internet-speak) by shooting lightning from your whammy bar and setting your drum kit ablaze in a machine-gun fill! Alright, none of that happened. Especially the Gold Star.

Overall: 9 (out of ten) – Rock Band 2 encourages rookie rockers to progress to higher difficulties while veterans can come in and clean up in the Gamerscore department. With more Achievements tied to playing specific venues as well as instruments, and taking on the new challenges there are plenty of rewards to go around for all members of your one-to-four (wo)man band. A solid list of things you’ll not just want to do, but strive to, is rare. Thanks Harmonix!

Baja: Edge of Control

Fans of, erm, driving their racing games in to the ground will score a jackpot of Gamerscore from Baja: Edge of Control. It isn’t the most creative list of unlockable badges on the planet, but digging deep in the desert terrain, often times for hours on end, will bring about plenty of points. But the goods contained within Baja is there strictly for those in it for the long haul – everyone else, just skip to the bottom of the page and click to the next review...

Best Achievement: “Friendly Skies” (10 pts.) Accumulate a total of 1 mile of distance traveled while airborne. – You’ll be surprised at how quickly you’ll unlock “Friendly Skies” at first, but when you consider the amount of little jumps within the restricted courses as well as the mountainous ramps sending you to the heavens, the shock quickly fades. Being in the air for seconds at a time after launching from disgustingly fast speeds is a thrill, and realizing you’ve been in the air for a total of a mile throughout your career is pretty awesome. The hangtime accumulates quickly, so expect to unlock “Friendly Skies” almost immediately.

Worst Achievement: “Explorer” (15 pts.) Find all of the hidden Discoveries in Free Ride. – How do you make a racing game full of the aforementioned “disgustingly fast speed” and “mountainous ramps” totally unexciting? Make the player roam aimlessly until he/she locates a pond. Yeah, the free roaming aspect of Baja is fun as hell (who doesn’t like going off course and blasting off of miles-high cliffs?) but the tedium of locating meaningless landmarks like forests and towns or whatever else... man, that’s weak. Sightseeing sucks, and there are loaaaaads of these things to find.

Easiest Achievement: Name “Handbrake Used” (5 pts.) Use the hand brake at least 5 times in one race. – Since handbraking is essential to making tight bends and drifting along the winding roads perfectly, it’ll be easy-peasy to unlock this Achievement. In the process, come out of your turns with the clutch to unlock the equally simple “Clutch Used” Achievement. Five points are just five button-presses away, so pull that brake and slide your way to victory – or just mash the E-brake ‘til the Achievement bloops itself on to your TV, then carry on as usual.

Hardest Achievement: “High Roller” (10 pts.) Have 1 million credits in your account. – Credits (cash) come with wins, and once you get a grip on how Baja’s controls and physics mesh together you’ll be shredding up the desert and leaving shmucks in the dust like nobody’s business. But unless you’re a frugal rally racer with a penchant for saving, accumulating a million of the game’s currency will be next to impossible. Upgrading your vehicle is addictive and makes driving even more fun, while buying new rides unlocks A) Achievements when you buy enough of ‘em and B) new classes with which to earn their respective Gamerscore with! You’ll need to decide how long you want to play Baja, because there are ten Gees for saving, and over 50 for dropping the cash and playing with new cars. Spending is easy, saving is hard. Kinda like real life.

A Real Achievement: “Baja 1000” (50 pts.) Complete the Baja 1000. – If you’re a hotshot, you might be able to pull off the Baja 1000 race in about three hours. Yeah, that’s real time. Thankfully, you don’t need to win it, and finishing with a trophy truck in this series of 20-30 minute tracks will earn even more bank. Most of us will finish it in over four. Just think of it like Desert Bus, but with more wicked-badass aerials (plus Achievements) and less Penn and Teller.

Time Investment vs. Payoff: 3 (out of ten) – Really, when you’re playing a game with two Achievements (one of which you can miss out on if you don’t roll with a trophy truck) tied to a single, hellishly long event, what more do you need to be told about its cash-out ratio? We’re sure that if we told you you’d better place first in something like eight different classes across a hundred-something races that you might quit gaming altogether. So we won’t do that. Instead, we’ll award this one point for each hour it takes to finish the Baja 1000... if you’re quick.

Overall: 7.5 (out of ten) – Sweet and sour Moses, these take a long time to unlock! But the Achievement list in Baja: Edge of Control is lengthy and full of large, if almost entirely uninventive, unlockables that cover a spectrum of tasks. You’d better love to sit behind the wheel, because you’ll be doin’ it for a while (we really can’t emphasize that enough) but you’ll progressively unlock more and more Achievements as you play. Bummer – you gotta do it up the old fashioned way by actually workin’. There’s little whoring to be had here, but the challenge is dandy.

Warhammer: Battle March

If ever there was a game where dedicating so much time brought about such little reward, it’s Warhammer. Alright, we’re joking: painting figurines is rewarding in itself, and though that option is dialled down a bit in Battle March, this RTS makes for a faster paced version of the tabletop RPG. It also features sizable loot drops in Gamerscore form... Perfect for the lazies who don’t like coloring the pupils of their Orc Shaman, but still want to dedicate their time to something that isn’t really worth anything.

Best Achievement: “Exterminator” (20 pts.) Kill every single enemy model in a campaign map – Hunting down every last one of a stage’s fleeing foes and slaughtering them is extremely gratifyi— erm, gratuitous and disgusting and morbid and sick! You’d have to be some sort of deranged freak to think that clubbing down Orcs – who are running away, terrified of your unholy and awesome might – is cool. It’s a filthy Achievement that nobody in their right mind would think is the “Best,” right? Hello...?

Worst Achievement: “Longbeard” (40 pts.) Play 100 multiplayer games – We’re talking about friggin’ videogames here and we’re still claiming “laziness” as the most probable factor for our adversity to unlock the “play x-billion matches of multiplayer” Achievements. One hundred is a pretty large number, and with the possibility for ten minute matches to drag out to an hour or more, well, who has the time? If you’ve got a buddy who’s willing to bend over the table and take repeated losses for you then the points might be worth it. Otherwise you’re better off doing something active (like switching the disc).

Easiest Achievement: “Tender Master” (10 pts.) Fully heal/reinforce at least 1 squad in a refill camp – After the first mission it’s almost 100% likely that your squads will have taken at least one loss. If not, they will. Regardless of when it happens, there’s a camp following each and every mission in Battle March. The camps allow you to purchase things, but we’re not here for potions or artillery – just Achievements. First, you’ll need to learn the complex concepts of color. Once you’ve established this ancient secret, press the blue button, and you’ll be presented with a gift from the Gamerscore gods – ten points. We have a customer support line if you get lost.

Hardest Achievement: “Path to Glory” (50 pts.) Finish any campaign with all heroes at lvl 40 – After the end of the Empire’s campaign, our primary hero (whose name is unpronounceable) was at level thirty. Does that mean you’ve got to play through the same campaign multiple times to get this? That’s not difficult, but the grind to get there is something that might kill us before the Achievement is unlocked. Oh – and our hero, Mr. Shtorgenhemenreiner (or something) was one of about a half dozen heroes in his three act, ten hour campaign. UGH!

Runner Up – “Tribute to the Staff” (10 pts.) Watch the complete credits video – Like acquiring levels, this isn’t as hard as it is a pain in the neck, but suffering through the tortoise-slow credits (which run up to about 15 minutes) is hard on your brain. It’s a hard Achievement to unlock because these are the most drawn out credits this side of The Getaway, and the “make a sandwich” joke doesn’t apply here. It’s more like “make Thanksgiving dinner.”

Time Investment vs. Payoff: 3 (out of ten) – Maybe it’s just the fact that there are so many story and side missions, however short they may be, that make the game feel like it drags on, but Warhammer’s campaigns – some of which need to be wrapped on higher difficulties or multiple times – aren’t very good for Achieving. Sure, the points are there to be had, but wowza do you need to do a lot to milk the game. Toss in some hundred-multiplayer-match goals and you’ve got yourself a second job.

Overall: 7.5 (out of ten) – While it takes some serious work to get the badges, the well placed Achievements are pretty fun to earn, and the list is varied enough to keep those looking for a challenge, and those looking for a quick couple unlocks happy. In the long run (the really, really long run) most of you will have or will be able to bank at least 800 points, but it’s the different types of Achievements that make the game worthwhile, not the drawn out clip at which they unlock.

12NEXT