The Scoreboard #18

OXMonline.com is happy to announce today that we’ve reached a new readership high for our Achievement review column, The Scoreboard: it has come to our attention that every single human being on this planet Earth is now a regular reader and/or RSSer of our Achievement-y column!

We’re going to celebrate our (that’s us and you!) total badassery with a celebration... more Achievement reviews! Today we’re gonna be critiquing and nitpicking the ins and outs of Pirates vs. Ninjas Dodgeball, Gin Rummy, Rocketbowl, Mercenaries 2: World in Flames, and TNA Impact. We’re even going to suffer through the improper pluralisation of “ninja” and incorrect spellings of “Armageddon” to bring you our opinionated view on all things Gamerscore, all in the name of love – we are trying to please the entire world here, you know.

Pirates vs. Ninjas Dodgeball

As if the title wasn’t a blatant indicator, Pirates vs. Ninjas is a game built on the foundation of Internet memes. At this rate, we’re bound to get a next-gen “Rick-Roll” simulator followed by an “I Lost the Game” game. The thought of it makes us sick, but so long as these potential disasters are packin’ Achievements in a similar manner to this, we will be more than willing to bear such atrocities.

Best Achievement: Neo (5 pts.) Dodge a powershot in Story Mode – There is nothing remarkable about the Neo Achievement except that it’s a reference to a movie instead of a played out 4Chan gag. That, and dodging a powershot is actually pretty frickin’ awesome. The appropriately placed ‘bullet-time’ slows the action to rub it in the face of the heartbroken offender, so revel in your reflexive skills while bragging about your new batch of Gamerscore.

Worst Achievement: Chuck rules! (15 pts.) Beat Ninjas Story Mode. –The Achievement itself is fine but come on: this is the last quarter of 2008... Aren’t Chuck Norris jokes a little exhausted by now? This combination of randomly plucked forum jokes is a cesspool that makes our brains sizzle when trying to fathom who decided Walker, Texas Ranger was still worth mentioning. He’s got a beard – get it?! We recommend not even playing as the ninja team to avoid the disgraceful Chuck Norris-branded badge altogether.

Easiest Achievement: Dish Best Served Cold (5 pts.) Successfully counter a shot in Story Mode. – Here we go! Star Trek references tied to an Achievement that actually feels good to unlock in spite of its ease. Slapping a thrown ball back with the X button attack brings you this one, so start swinging your sword or robo-fists as soon as any offensive ball is about to knock your teeth out, and you’ll pocket this nickel.

Hardest Achievement: Addicted (30 pts.) Win 20 Ranked Matches. – Managing to stick out the full 20 online matches is an Achievement in itself, but playing ranked means you’re bound to come across folks who are too serious about their ball dodging. Beating them requires surviving their very presence, and since this game requires little to no skill (rebounds are so sporadic that the ball landing near you is luck) it’s more of a matter of time than mad ball-hurling skillz before you achieve this arduous unlock.

Time Investment vs. Payoff: 8 (out of ten) – To its credit, PvN does encourage that you try out a bunch of different campaigns and abilities, so there are plenty of teeny tiny unlockables to be earned. And if you’re willing to drag it out online, you’ll have 200 points after a few dragged out sessions.

Overall: 4.5 (out of ten) – Sure, you can gain easy points from this, but the list requires repetitive online play and various campaign completions with repeated victories. The Achievement earning might be effortless, but they’re the furthest thing from fun. Also, the amount of overdoing-it in regards to the hilarious-in-2001 humor makes us want to gouge out a pirate’s remaining eyeball.

Gin Rummy

Like cards? Got five quid? Well if you’re anxious to play some chilled out and totally what-you-expect Gin Rummy action, this is your stop! Along the way you’ll encounter some of the most boring-ass, insipid and uninspired Achievements ever created. But if you stick with it, you might get a few GS before you fall victim to slumber. Our eyes are getting heavy just lookin’ at this list.

Best Achievement: Gutsy Gin Guru (20 pts.) Win 1 round without drawing from the discard pile – Avoiding the discard pile is risky, particularly if it’s got the sweet suit loot that you crave. But we aren’t going to lie and say that this isn’t the first of many Yawnchievements. Killing the competition by banking on Lady Luck entirely is one satisfying way to win a match, since ignoring the discard pile means you’re playing it all without thinking about anything... Just the kind of game you need to wind down at night befor—zzZzzzZzzzZzzz...

Worst Achievement: Rummy Buff (30 pts.) Earn over 50,000 Total Points – Standard matches clock in around the ten to 20 minute mark with the final score set to 500, and while this carries over between single and multiplayer, that’s 100 wins. Keep in mind that Gin Rummy requires next to no skill to even participate in, so you’ve got to account for the matches you lose, t—zzZzzzZzzz....

Easiest Achievement: Knock-out (5 pts.) Win 1 round by Knock – Again, you’re banking on fortune to favor you, and it’s not uncommon to come out of the gate with a good enough hand worth knocking too. Knock with the appropriate button input, and provided your starting hand (you can wait it out too, if you like) rocks the opponent’s socks, you’re up five poi—ZzzZzzz...

Hardest Achievement: Well Suited (15 pts.) Win 1 round with cards including deadwood from only one suit – The deadwood is the mess of garbage cards you’re left with when you knock or get beaten out with a terrible batch of cards in hand. Managing to have all of those cards as a single suit while winning the match is a feat worthy of—Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Time Investment vs. Payoff: 6.5 (out of ten) – All sleepy jokes aside; Gin Rummy isn’t very tight fisted with its Gamerscore offerings. Once you’ve played a solid few matches you should have pulled in around 50 points. But if you want to guarantee maximum success, ensure that you teach Granny how to operate the control pad. Plenty of multiplayer badges means you’ll need to spend a couple hours online to unlock the—ZzzZzzzzzZzzzzz.....

Overa—zzZzzzZzZzzZzzz....

12NEXT