Yoyoma207:
With the new Avatar T-shirts that cast a vote as to whether Carmine should live or die in Gears of War 3----which should I buy? ...
OXM SAYS:
Well, personally, we'd love to see some blood spill, so we're tempted to say you should just buy the "Carmine Mu...MORE
Posted on: Sep 12, 2008
The Scoreboard #18
WORDS BY: Mitch Dyer
OXMonline.com is happy to announce today that we’ve reached a new readership high for our Achievement review column, The Scoreboard: it has come to our attention that every single human being on this planet Earth is now a regular reader and/or RSSer of our Achievement-y column!
We’re going to celebrate our (that’s us and you!) total badassery with a celebration... more Achievement reviews! Today we’re gonna be critiquing and nitpicking the ins and outs of Pirates vs. Ninjas Dodgeball, Gin Rummy, Rocketbowl, Mercenaries 2: World in Flames, and TNA Impact. We’re even going to suffer through the improper pluralisation of “ninja” and incorrect spellings of “Armageddon” to bring you our opinionated view on all things Gamerscore, all in the name of love – we are trying to please the entire world here, you know.
Pirates vs. Ninjas Dodgeball
As if the title wasn’t a blatant indicator, Pirates vs. Ninjas is a game built on the foundation of Internet memes. At this rate, we’re bound to get a next-gen “Rick-Roll” simulator followed by an “I Lost the Game” game. The thought of it makes us sick, but so long as these potential disasters are packin’ Achievements in a similar manner to this, we will be more than willing to bear such atrocities.
Best Achievement: Neo (5 pts.) Dodge a powershot in Story Mode – There is nothing remarkable about the Neo Achievement except that it’s a reference to a movie instead of a played out 4Chan gag. That, and dodging a powershot is actually pretty frickin’ awesome. The appropriately placed ‘bullet-time’ slows the action to rub it in the face of the heartbroken offender, so revel in your reflexive skills while bragging about your new batch of Gamerscore.
Worst Achievement: Chuck rules! (15 pts.) Beat Ninjas Story Mode. –The Achievement itself is fine but come on: this is the last quarter of 2008... Aren’t Chuck Norris jokes a little exhausted by now? This combination of randomly plucked forum jokes is a cesspool that makes our brains sizzle when trying to fathom who decided Walker, Texas Ranger was still worth mentioning. He’s got a beard – get it?! We recommend not even playing as the ninja team to avoid the disgraceful Chuck Norris-branded badge altogether.
Easiest Achievement: Dish Best Served Cold (5 pts.) Successfully counter a shot in Story Mode. – Here we go! Star Trek references tied to an Achievement that actually feels good to unlock in spite of its ease. Slapping a thrown ball back with the X button attack brings you this one, so start swinging your sword or robo-fists as soon as any offensive ball is about to knock your teeth out, and you’ll pocket this nickel.
Hardest Achievement: Addicted (30 pts.) Win 20 Ranked Matches. – Managing to stick out the full 20 online matches is an Achievement in itself, but playing ranked means you’re bound to come across folks who are too serious about their ball dodging. Beating them requires surviving their very presence, and since this game requires little to no skill (rebounds are so sporadic that the ball landing near you is luck) it’s more of a matter of time than mad ball-hurling skillz before you achieve this arduous unlock.
Time Investment vs. Payoff: 8 (out of ten) – To its credit, PvN does encourage that you try out a bunch of different campaigns and abilities, so there are plenty of teeny tiny unlockables to be earned. And if you’re willing to drag it out online, you’ll have 200 points after a few dragged out sessions.
Overall: 4.5 (out of ten) – Sure, you can gain easy points from this, but the list requires repetitive online play and various campaign completions with repeated victories. The Achievement earning might be effortless, but they’re the furthest thing from fun. Also, the amount of overdoing-it in regards to the hilarious-in-2001 humor makes us want to gouge out a pirate’s remaining eyeball.
Gin Rummy
Like cards? Got five quid? Well if you’re anxious to play some chilled out and totally what-you-expect Gin Rummy action, this is your stop! Along the way you’ll encounter some of the most boring-ass, insipid and uninspired Achievements ever created. But if you stick with it, you might get a few GS before you fall victim to slumber. Our eyes are getting heavy just lookin’ at this list.
Best Achievement: Gutsy Gin Guru (20 pts.) Win 1 round without drawing from the discard pile – Avoiding the discard pile is risky, particularly if it’s got the sweet suit loot that you crave. But we aren’t going to lie and say that this isn’t the first of many Yawnchievements. Killing the competition by banking on Lady Luck entirely is one satisfying way to win a match, since ignoring the discard pile means you’re playing it all without thinking about anything... Just the kind of game you need to wind down at night befor—zzZzzzZzzzZzzz...
Worst Achievement: Rummy Buff (30 pts.) Earn over 50,000 Total Points – Standard matches clock in around the ten to 20 minute mark with the final score set to 500, and while this carries over between single and multiplayer, that’s 100 wins. Keep in mind that Gin Rummy requires next to no skill to even participate in, so you’ve got to account for the matches you lose, t—zzZzzzZzzz....
Easiest Achievement: Knock-out (5 pts.) Win 1 round by Knock – Again, you’re banking on fortune to favor you, and it’s not uncommon to come out of the gate with a good enough hand worth knocking too. Knock with the appropriate button input, and provided your starting hand (you can wait it out too, if you like) rocks the opponent’s socks, you’re up five poi—ZzzZzzz...
Hardest Achievement: Well Suited (15 pts.) Win 1 round with cards including deadwood from only one suit – The deadwood is the mess of garbage cards you’re left with when you knock or get beaten out with a terrible batch of cards in hand. Managing to have all of those cards as a single suit while winning the match is a feat worthy of—Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
Time Investment vs. Payoff: 6.5 (out of ten) – All sleepy jokes aside; Gin Rummy isn’t very tight fisted with its Gamerscore offerings. Once you’ve played a solid few matches you should have pulled in around 50 points. But if you want to guarantee maximum success, ensure that you teach Granny how to operate the control pad. Plenty of multiplayer badges means you’ll need to spend a couple hours online to unlock the—ZzzZzzzzzZzzzzz.....
Overa—zzZzzzZzZzzZzzz....
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Sat, 09/13/2008 - 19:16
Posted by CashWheel
A note to all developers: please stop making zero-point and secret achievements. Zero-pointers are bad enough, but secret achievements are just as bad, if not worse - they're good in a game like Bioshock, which made them secret to hide plot spoilers, but most of the time, it's just hiding some stupid, arbitrary unlock requirement that I could never have guessed (like failing a song with at least 70% completed in Guitar Hero III).
Tommy, can you hear me?!
Sat, 09/13/2008 - 18:41
Posted by xpects the xpctd
My god, enough zero point achievements. PvN dodgeball looked sick, and I can't wait to get my hands on Mercs 2. Gamerscore shall rise.
Sat, 09/13/2008 - 10:16
Posted by Mitch OXM
@ NBA Kirkland: Missed it? Here you go! PEW PEW! http://www.oxmonline.com/article/xbox-soapbox/scoreboard-17
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@RockHopper: You could be right, but I had a REALLY hard experience with it. Every time I pegged someone in the brain it "missed" and they just got out of the truck. *sigh*
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@AxeArgonian: Sir, you know how much I'd love to bend those games over the table, but they came out a week ago! How am I supposed to play all of this AND 60 hour RPGs?!?!?! Also, I quite Infinite because I couldn't handle awful saves so I'll be doing Vesperia... EVENTUALLY. Not sure when.
As for the HVT Achievement, I hadn't gotten it, but was definitely on track to with a friend. We were having no issues capturing all of them at all.
As for "more games" I'm only one man. I can only play and write about so much under the weight of *other* assignments... But don't worry, you'll eventually see most games you want to on the Scoreboard. The only thing is I have to actually play them before I start yammering about them. It helps me avoid the hordes of Axe's "You're wrong!!" comments.
Much love, buddy <3 :)
Sat, 09/13/2008 - 09:41
Posted by Axe Argonian
Okay, what happened to Tales of Vesperia and Infinite Undiscovery? Both of those games deserve spankings for their crappy Achievement lists. Let's face it: JRPG developers don't know how to make good Achievement lists. They only know how to make annoying, 12-year old children and a linear storyline about salvation, mana, or whatever else that came out of last night's drinking binge.
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Anyway, I agree with the last commentor. The hardest Achievement in Mercs 2 is that stupid "Aces High" Achievement. It requires you to capture every HVT, yet those HVTs usually either: A) Commit suicide with random grenade-throwing or B) Are killed by their dumb goons. Do you know how stressful trying to capture someone is? I left that game with a *tear rolls down cheek* 795/1000. It was only a rental, and I thank God that I didn't buy that game.
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Still, overall, I wish that this article contained a few more games: Tales of Vesperia, Infinite Undiscovery, Warhammer: Battle March, and FaceBreaker.
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Keep up the good work Mitch.
Sat, 09/13/2008 - 06:05
Posted by rockhopper
Great article Mitch. I've been reading since the first scoreboard but just now created an account to comment. Your pick for hardest achievement in Mercs 2 is way wrong. In my opinion it is easily the secret achievement of "Aces High" which requires you capture every HVT in the game including story ones alive. It's a pretty tough task due to the HVT usually getting killed by friendly fire before you can get him out alive. Not to mention the game has so many glitches that you might not even get achievements that you earned. It's happening to so many people.
The sniper achievement I earned real easily. Just hide by the side of a building and let the VZ jeeps pull up on the road and stop. Zoom in with a sniper and shoot em in the head. AI's so dumb they just sit there in the jeep.
Sat, 09/13/2008 - 01:17
Posted by NBA Kirkland
What happened to The Scoreboard #17?
Fri, 09/12/2008 - 19:53
Posted by CashWheel
Why is it that Midway hates Achievement lovers who buy their games? Not only is there that terrible "Jobber Nation" achievement in TNA, there was also a similar achievement for losing five ranked matches in a row in Chosen One.
By the way, nice Gin Rummy review - I laughed really hard.