The Scoreboard #11

Are you dissatisfied, perhaps insecure with the size of your Gamerscore? If so, you’ve come to the right place: Official Xbox Magazine’s online-only feature, The Scoreboard, is here to help. By following the advice in our in-depth investigative reviews of the latest Achievements (and the Xbox 360 DVDs they come in), you can avoid being publicly humiliated for the itty-bitty number scarring your Gamercard.

This week we’ll be taking a look at Penny Arcade Adventures: On the Rain Slick Precipice of Darkness and Assault Heroes 2 for the Xbox Live Arcade, as well as the retail releases of Enemy Territory: Quake Wars, and Grand Theft Auto IV. Which of these will bloat your Gamerscore so huge that you won’t be able to keep the masses of grovelling geeky gamers away?

Penny Arcade Adventures: On the Rain-Slick Precipice of Darkness, Episode One

Taking a stab at game design during their full-time jobs of “game mockery,” the chaps at Penny Arcade have a $20 XBLA title that’s begging for your purchase. It’s a bit pricey, but we really liked it. As an added bonus, the Achievements are not only hilarious, but achievable. You’ll need to be thorough (as is the case with all point-and-click adventure games) and knowing what you need to do in advance is a plus, so if you’re keen on putting rake to flesh, you’ll be showering in Achievements.

Best Achievement – Nine Lives (15 pts.) Kill an enemy using T. Kemper's basic attack. For the unaware, Thomas Kemper is an adorable yellow feline. His basic attack – dealing a mere one damage – involves nothing more than a good cat-crotch licking. After Gabe, Tycho, and your hero beat a baddie to exactly 1HP, apply tongue to junk for the most hilarious victory ever recorded.

Worst Achievement: Immortal (20 pts.) Play and win the game without allowing a character to die during combat. We’re going to give you a tip, gratis, just for showing up today: have and use explosives. The Mime-thulu final boss might have a copious amount of HP, but if you keep up the dynamite chuckin’ and special-character attacks in between regular attacks (charging up the Y button combo isn’t worth the wait), you should be in good shape. Use any and all items that aren’t Band-aids to boost your stats and drain the God of his defense/attack/speed, and you’ll be mint. It’s a major pain in the neck to pull off, and if you don’t do it perfectly you’ll be restarting ‘til you can’t take it any more.

Easiest Achievement: Stray Cat (5 pts.) Have T. Kemper join the player as a support character. After taking your first big step in to the wide world of New Arcadia – all three areas of it – you’ll immediately come across this yellow kitty comrade. Stray Cat could not be any easier. These 5 points are just sitting in the street, waiting for you to look in their general direction... Not unlike Kemper in PA’s opening seconds.

Hardest Achievement: Immortal (20 pts.) Play and win the game without allowing a character to die during combat. Unlocking Immortal either requires the turn-based mad skillz of an RPG god, or the lousy cheating antics of a system-resetting sissy. Honestly, we couldn’t play the entirety without having the characters drop in to a bloody mess unless we quit and retried every time someone died. Unless you plan on saving before every fight, don’t frustrate yourself by gunning for a perfect run. You’d have better luck slicing and dicing your way through feudal Japan with a cardboard tube.

Time Investment vs. Payoff: 9 (out of ten) – Depending on how meticulous you are in your battles and searches, OtRSPoD Episode One could easily take up to ten hours. Bashing in the fruit-f****** face of every Fruit F***** could drag you down, and unlocking artwork demands looking at every little trinket around, but it’s worth it to go through the motions. Without Immortal, you’ve still got 180 Gamerscore, and 11 unlocked Achievements.

Overall: 9.5 (out of ten) – Penny Arcade Adventures: On the Rain Slick Precipice of Darkness, Episode One only has 200 available Achievement points for you to toil over, which feels strange because of its retail-game production values. Unlocking the better part of The Good Stuff only takes playing the game; gameplay being an arbitrary prevention measure (a fun one, though) implemented by the developers to forbid you from easily breaking the locks on the game’s 12 Achievements.

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